LGBTQIA

Small Business, LGBTQIA, Chocolate House

Emotions Sometimes Get The Best Of Me

Emotions Sometimes Get The Best Of Me

Screenshot_20210405-091143_Instagram.jpg

I'm feeling lots of stress these days now that the shop no longer physically exists, in addition to the continual long-term stress of the pandemic.

And it shows by way of forgetfulness, shoulder tension, erratic appetite, sadness, and scattered attention.

I'm sorry to those around me who have to put up with me on however much of a regular basis you do.

In some ways, I feel lost. And once that feeling gets a foothold in my thought patterns, I go very quickly into a tail spin. More often than not, I wake the next morning with a pretty clear head. But when those next mornings are filled with the same thoughts and emotions as the day before, I know I’m in for a long haul.

I'm learning that I have to treat these feelings as if I had a sprained ankle; I have to rest, take the weight off of it, and let myself heal.

Instead of ice, a good cry helps.

And, of course, chocolate works its healing magic.

Even though I may be feeling in the weeds and overwhelmed with planning a relocation and reopening, I promise that I am in love with what Queer Chocolatier does! I am in love with chocolate and with my community! I absolutely cannot wait to have a chocolate house for people to return to in order to be indulged and affirmed simultaneously! We deserve a space to feel safe and cared for, especially in a society that can feel cruel for the sake of cruelty.

Every day that you cringe because of anything some homophobic, transphobic, racist, ableist, sexist garbage person says, know this: Queer Chocolatier hears you, and sees you, and loves you, and welcomes you.

I will hold space for you, virtually until physically. It is my job.

And it is a constant reminder to myself that I love what I do, even though emotions sometimes get the best of me and I really don't always know what I'm doing.

Small Business, Chocolate House, LGBTQIA, cocoa wonkery

Storytelling

Storytelling

Queer Chocolatier's story has had lots of twists and turns since the beginning. I’d love to learn what your QC Story is!

Queer Chocolatier's story has had lots of twists and turns since the beginning. I’d love to learn what your QC Story is!

Podcasts are often something I listen to while I’m rolling truffles at the shop (the rest of the time, I’m reliving the 90s). My favorite podcasts are the ones that are engaged in storytelling, and especially those that are told by the storytellers themselves. I’m a big fan of podcasts such as The Moth Radio Hour and Snap Judgment.

More frequently than not, I hear a piece of wisdom from a story that helps me resolve or wrestle with an issue I’m facing at the moment.

Stories matter so much to me.

I’m pretty okay at telling my story, but usually at a basic level. Being near a college campus, I’m asked to do interviews on occasion and I feel like I have a certain script that unfolds pretty readily in those interviews. The story isn’t inauthentic, but it is just the quick-and-easy story that people digest simply.

I love that I own Queer Chocolatier! I love my story! I especially love getting to dive deeper into my story because my story can connect to so many other stories deserving of being told.

The danger in getting deeper into my story is that I'm incredibly likely to burst into tears!

Stories are powerful and I don’t really quite know how to harness the power of mine yet.

Recently, I was the subject of an oral history of Muncie's LGBTQ+ community and it was a meaningful experience to tell my story in-depth and to talk out where I think I and my business fit in the world. It felt like I was closer to harnessing my story, but I still have a ways to go.

But I find it tough being asked the question: “What does your business mean to the community?”

Because that’s your story!

I’m asked that question a lot and I don't have the words to answer it.

I’d love to have your own words sharing your story about what Queer Chocolatier means to you! Some of the podcasts I listen to share little voice clips submitted by listeners and I've borrowed that strategy to collect your messages! You can leave your message here using this SpeakPipe site!

If you’re willing to share your story, it’ll help me better understand how to make QC more sustainable. I want to know what matters to you.

I want to listen to your QC Story!

(while sobbing into my squishy stretchy baby boi, Dorian)!

He tolerates my happy tears (and my sad tears, too)

He tolerates my happy tears (and my sad tears, too)

Storytelling is a gift. And when people ask me how they can help out with Queer Chocolatier, this helps more than you know. Because my story gets tangled up in the day-to-day sometimes and I can lose track of what I’m aiming to do with my business.

I’m looking to glean wisdom from your stories!

Thank you for sharing and being a part of my story!

Small Business Shenanigan, Chocolate House, LGBTQIA, Small Business

Long March Ahead

Long March Ahead

A quiet morning in the Queer Chocolatier Chocolate House in the Village in Muncie, Indiana.

A quiet morning in the Queer Chocolatier Chocolate House in the Village in Muncie, Indiana.

Queer Chocolatier has been around since 2017. It is March of 2021 now and I’m a couple of weeks shy of both hitting a year of being closed to the public due to the pandemic and moving out of the Village altogether. There has not been a stretch of consistency with running my business, but that might just be the reality of being a queer businesswoman owning and operating a tiny business.

Moving into the Village

Cheri and I posing in front of our new place the day after signing the lease in December 2017.

Cheri and I posing in front of our new place the day after signing the lease in December 2017.

I’ve mentioned more than once how Cheri has been my bedrock of forming my business. She is the one who encouraged me to find a space in the Village so that I could have my own kitchen and be near Ball State University to serve the campus community as well as the wider city.

Sometimes it is better to jump in not knowing what to expect.

Sometimes having expectations can make us hesitate to jump.

I’m glad I jumped.

Me posing with some of the furniture I built for the Chocolate House.

Me posing with some of the furniture I built for the Chocolate House.

I learned countless things while building out the shop of my dreams!

I learned a great deal about construction and have a deep urge to build more things with my own hands.

I learned that bureaucracy can be challenging but manageable. Misogyny, however, cannot be manageable.

I learned everything takes so much longer than planned; it took almost a year to open for business.

I learned how to lay flooring.

I learned how to ask for help. I’m still learning this.

I learned to take pride in what I create.

I learned what I would do differently.

I learned that what I did—holding space—matters.

The inimitable Muncie Map Co. crafted this cocoa map of Venezuela for the Chocolate House as a beautiful piece of artwork and educational tool to explain more to customers about where my chocolate came from in the early days.

The inimitable Muncie Map Co. crafted this cocoa map of Venezuela for the Chocolate House as a beautiful piece of artwork and educational tool to explain more to customers about where my chocolate came from in the early days.

Collaboration and community

I got to meet and work with tons of people, businesses, and organizations over the years of being in the Chocolate House!

Muncie Map Co. has long been a trusted business partner of mine and their work never fails to take my breath away.

Flying Rhino not only provides some of the most delicious coffee I’ve chugged but sold me some of my initial pieces of equipment to build my shop.

Sis Got Tea is a new friend that I look up to and enjoy talking with as we both continue our entrepreneurial journeys, all while sipping tea and swapping cat photos.

I have the most extraordinary businesses as neighbors in the Village and love waving to them through my window and also visiting their cats or shooting the breeze with the humans. From reusing packing paper from Art Mart so that we don’t waste materials, to a socially distanced front yard hang outs with Travis and Sarah of VGR, to patio conversations with Martin and Kyle at the Cup, to window tappings at Gus of Travel Dimensions, to chatting about snacks with Sylvia at the Lash Boutique, to scarfing down delicious nachos and laughing with the folks at Chavas, to eating way too much cajun garlic bread at Yats and slurping bubble teas at Hoku Poke, I have been very comfortable weaving myself into the fabric of this little space in the City.

I and other Village businesses collaborated with the Riverside-Normal City neighborhood and made a smashing success of an inaugural $2 Tour of the Village during Welcome Week of 2019.

I’ve been honored to participate in a number of fundraising events for organizations such as United Way of Delaware, Randolph and Henry Counties; Boys & Girls Clubs of Muncie; Planned Parenthood of Indiana and Kentucky; and the Girl Scouts of Central Indiana (this opportunity gave me another opportunity: I was on WTHR-13 with my S'mores Truffles!). Organizations on along the coasts, such as GLAD (GLBTQ Legal Advocates & Defenders) and The Pride Study at Stanford University, have purchased our truffles as a way to reward and acknowledge individuals in their communities.

We were even visited by Gloria Steinem and Amy Richards during Steinem's book tour!

Gloria Steinem visited Queer Chocolatier and Ball State University in December of 2019 during her book tour.

Gloria Steinem visited Queer Chocolatier and Ball State University in December of 2019 during her book tour.

Her visit was coordinated by Betsy Kiel and the Women & Gender Studies program at Ball State University. To be able to discuss the importance of queer sober spaces and our name tags with pronouns with someone as well-reknown as Steinem in my shop was a gift I never knew I wanted or deserved.

Community, near and far or neighbors and icons, is everything.

Muncie organized a large Black Lives Matter March in June of 2020 shortly after the police murder of George Floyd. Photo credit: Benjamin Strack

Muncie organized a large Black Lives Matter March in June of 2020 shortly after the police murder of George Floyd. Photo credit: Benjamin Strack

Pandemic and Endemic

Shortly after the peak of Gloria Steinem's visit, the pandemic hit us hard and we fell toward the valley. We pivoted, we adjusted, but capitalism won out over humanity and public health, and the safest course of action I believed was to close to the public. I remain closed. Because a pandemic remains.

A GoFundMe was launched by a loving customer and uplifted Queer Chocolatier (and me in a deeply personal way) to allow us to survive in the early months of the pandemic as a reminder of the love a community can show.

We wanted to show it back.

Racism in our country is endemic. It is woven into the fabric of our nation and until we face it in ourselves and in our society, racism will continue to thrive.

When Muncie came together on a hot summer day to march from campus to City Hall to show that Black Lives Matter, we gathered donations of water and handed them out to marchers as they passed by our shop.

We wanted to care for those who were caring for others.

Queer folk know (or should know by now) that liberation for us is tied to the liberation of BIPOC individuals. Queerness isn’t the sole domain of white people; white queer people are already indebted to queer and gender-diverse POC.

We have work to do.

Queer Chocolatier is committed to the work.

Queer Chocolatier is committed to the work.

Craft Chocolate Maker and Chocolatier

Community is what guides and energizes me as a businessqueer, but I also have a craft that I am devoted to learning and honing.

Without chocolate, Queer Chocolatier doesn’t exist.

Me working chocolate on granite. Tempering by hand is as much science as it is art, but it is tasty even when you mess up! Photo credit: my wife, Cheri Madewell.

Me working chocolate on granite. Tempering by hand is as much science as it is art, but it is tasty even when you mess up! Photo credit: my wife, Cheri Madewell.

I’ve made truffles since 2004, so I’m not far from twenty years in dabbling in this confection (which, this realization made my heart catch just a bit). I started with grocery store chocolate, mostly Ghirardelli.

Then, as I grew in my truffling, and as I went to school for Sociology specializing in the Sociology of Food and Agriculture, I started asking myself more questions about chocolate, where it comes from, how it’s made and under what conditions.

When I launched Queer Chocolatier, I made my first big decision in this exploration by selecting Chocolates El Rey as my source of chocolate. For the first three years of my business, I used El Rey not just for making truffles (and drinking chocolate and pain au chocolat) but also to share this educational journey I was on with others through Guided Chocolate Tasting Events.

Starting in the craft chocolate wilderness meant using a lot of DIY tools and learning from what others did before me. My first sack of cocoa beans shown here is from Tumaco, Colombia and was sourced from Uncommon Cacao.

Starting in the craft chocolate wilderness meant using a lot of DIY tools and learning from what others did before me. My first sack of cocoa beans shown here is from Tumaco, Colombia and was sourced from Uncommon Cacao.

But in the last ten months or so, I’ve been buying cocoa beans to start making my own chocolate.

Every time I go through the chocolate-making process, I learn something new. But because I’m still primarily a chocolatier, I am not getting much opportunity to savor the knowledge as I am immediately transforming the fresh chocolate into truffles for orders!

But I am learning!

And I’m growing.

I’ve found that my biggest insecurity with owning this business has nothing to do with my being queer or being in a small city having to compete with mass chocolate or being a business owner in general or anything like that whatsoever.

It is that I’m insecure in where I fit in the craft chocolate industry.

I’m so small and so far away from many other chocolate makers, and I struggle to think what it would be like if other chocolate makers thought I was a joke and should just hang it up.

But that hasn’t been the case.

People have been generous and caring. I’ve asked questions to a few chocolate makers and they have gladly shared their experiences. I’ve been invited to speak via FB live with Lauren Heineck who has a podcast within our industry. More recently, I’ve joined CISJ, Chocolate Industry for Social Justice and I hope this is yet another way to plug into the community.

I have a long March ahead in every conceivable sense.

What’s next? Figuring it out

Starting at farmers & makers markets, then going “away to college” has been such an adventure. I’m looking forward to a homecoming. Photo credit: Anna Mitchel.

Starting at farmers & makers markets, then going “away to college” has been such an adventure. I’m looking forward to a homecoming. Photo credit: Anna Mitchel.

Starting with what I do know, I'm leaving this space by the end of this month.

I’ll fulfill orders until March 22nd and no longer accept orders.

I’ll have to wind down my operations and begin moving items and equipment into storage.

Today's the last day I pay rent here.

I have orders to ship and deliver today.

But beyond these things I know, I only have educated guesses and trust falls for the universe to catch me in its waiting arms.

I do have a space identified that Queer Chocolatier very likely will move into. I am filled with excitement but I am holding off on announcing the news until all things are settled. I got burned by this with an earlier place I viewed and fell in love with but isn’t accessible and that is a baseline requirement for any space in which I’ll ever do business.

But the space I want to move into will take some work and capital.

One of these has me thoroughly excited as I'm planning building projects again and eager to apply all of the “What I would do different” lessons I've learned!

I am nervous about the capital as I've apparently and unwittingly decided my business is to pay people to renovate their properties. However, the building owner seems like a very nice fellow and he and I have many mutual friends, so this feels like it can be a healthier process and relationship than the space I’m leaving.

Gonna do a capital trust fall!

Might not be the wisest business decision to make, but I've heard lots of wise people along every step of the way question many decisions I've made.

If I’d heeded their words all along, Queer Chocolatier simply wouldn’t exist.

I’m going to listen to my gut.

There are a few butterflies fluttering, but they’re excited!

And I'm training myself to believe more in myself, my abilities, my commitments, my passion, my talents, my experiences, my knowledge, my vision, my place in this community and in this world in this moment.

My friend Renae once told me to not worry about proving people wrong. It’s about proving myself right.

I’m ready.

Take up space and drink chocolate. It’s what I do. Photo credit: Brooklyn Arizmendi.

Take up space and drink chocolate. It’s what I do. Photo credit: Brooklyn Arizmendi.

LGBTQIA

My Story Of Coming Out

MY story Of Coming Out

…doesn't really exist.

The closest thing to a coming out story I have to share is when I named my business Queer Chocolatier, which I’ll tell more of here in a moment.

Instead, I’ll share what it was like for me as a queer woman before being a queer businesswoman.

But, just before that, I want to stress that it is never incumbent upon anyone to have to come out, even on a day like today: National Coming Out Day.

The most important thing is your safety and if you would come into any immediate harm (i.e. physical violence, mental or emotional abuse, homelessness), weigh those risks carefully before deciding to come out. Maybe you decide to wait until those risks are minimized. Maybe you decide to live your most authentic life despite those risks and come out in spite of it all. Maybe, like many people, it is an ongoing process of sharing part of yourself to certain people in your life. Whatever the case may be, you’re no less queer and we need you in this world.

You’re in charge of your own story.

I never came out, or at least I don’t think i did?

From my experience growing up, I didn’t see a lot of examples of what relationships were like. My mom was a single parent who had me just a couple months before her twentieth birthday, her parents were divorced when I was three years old, and I am an only child so I didn’t have older siblings going out on dates. My uncle is married to a woman but they lived far away when I was a child. My aunt was not married but had friends with her when she would visit my grandpa's house and no one told me what that meant.

I didn’t know what it meant to be queer. Or straight. Or to have any attraction to people.

The only message I'd received was from my grandpa who said, upon my leaving the house to go out with friends, “Don’t get pregnant.” Mostly as a joke I’m sure, but also as a warning about what my future would be like if I were to become pregnant. I’d internalized the message, though, as “Don’t end up like your mother.” So, I never dated or kissed anyone throughout my entire teenaged years.

I do remember my first crush being on a boy in my class in high school. I remember simultaneously having my first celebrity crush on Shirley Manson of Garbage. I definitely had a bigger crush on her than the high school boy. I still crush on her, to be honest!

But, all throughout high school and middle school before that, I was teased pretty aggressively about how well I performed gender roles and fit into the screenplay of heteronormativity. In the hallway as I stood by my locker, kids would ask me whether I was a boy or a girl and snicker while inquiring. I suppose wearing baggy, threadworn clothing and having tangled, greasy hair made them more curious about my gender than my poverty and whether we had hot water at home to wash clothes or take a shower.

The living room of our trailer was also my bedroom from age 11-18.

The living room of our trailer was also my bedroom from age 11-18.

This teasing came from my mother as well, but perhaps not in an expected way; she really pushed me to be a “tomboy" and had said on rare occasion that “raising a boy is easier than raising a girl,” (which, in my own view now, is less a commentary on what gender is easier to raise as much as there are more restrictions and boundaries to place on girls as they grow up). When a music teacher in middle school asked me to try out for choir, my mother’s primary concern was that I would have to wear a skirt and that would be “too girly.”

It's moments like these that painfully come right to the surface whenever I meet people now who knew me when I was younger and they say with self-satisfaction “I knew you were gay! I knew before you knew!”

But I’m not gay.

The overwhelming majority of my relationships and “relationships” have been with women. But I have also been attracted to people who are not women. To that end, I call myself bisexual

But, more accurately, I’m not particularly attracted to anyone unless I have a meaningful connection with that person. I’ve recently learned that this is called demisexual. As having grown up with no one expressing romantic or physical interest in me, it feels like I somehow developed in such a way as to prioritize my connections with people before becoming intimate with people. Maybe out of insecurity or out of protection or both.

There have been exceptions to this rule, sure, but I never had a relationship in which the other person didn’t express interest in me first, whatever their gender.

I never came out, however this is defined, as bisexual until anyone shot their shot. Essentially, the only people who ever really knew my sexuality for the vast majority of my life were the people I was having sex with.

At various points throughout my working career, a coworker here and there would tell me they were gay or lesbian and I would be appreciative of their telling me their story, but since I wasn’t dating anyone whenever these conversations came up, I never reciprocated about me. Plus, I figured why make their story about me in that moment? Perhaps it could have built a better friendship, but it never felt right because responding with “Cool, I’m bi!” while not dating (even though that’s a smidgen of bierasure of myself at that time).

Leaving Indiana

My first serious relationship was when I was 30. Earlier here, I'd shared that I had no relationships in my teenaged years, but my 20s was largely void of relationships as well, except for my early 20s while in college. When I was a 30 y/o graduate student, I started dating a woman who self-identified as stone butch and occasionally discussed her gender identity and expression as “steampunk.” I didn't hide my relationship but I would only discuss it whenever it came up in the course of conversation. The relationship was not healthy, so my lack of broadcasting my relationship was less shame-driven due to my sexuality as it was that I was really unhappy and unsure of how to get out of my situation.

It took graduating, the lease of our shared apartment ending, and moving to Pennsylvania after three months of couchsurfing for me to not only get out of that relationship but to start to emerge a bit more boldly about who I am and start over with no baggage to bring along with me.

When I left PA a year later, I was moving to Austin, Texas and starting a new relationship with a woman. The friends I made in ATX knew I was queer, but my coworkers at the as-you-may-have-guessed fairly conservative Texas Department of Agriculture didn't know until things in my relationship got bad and I’d be crying in my office. They cared about me and my well-being more than whether or not I was queer. I reflect upon their kindness quite often and miss them and Texas quite a bit. Surprisingly to some, in all my life leading up to that point, Texas was the place I’d felt safest in being more open with people about who I am.

getting married + coming out as Queer Chocolatier

IMG_20191011_153324_596.jpg

When Cheri and I started dating in the fall of 2015 and got married soon after, this was not only the most open I had been about my sexuality but also the most actively political about it. Looking back on my trajectory, I can see that it took a combination of my own maturity and independence as well as a strong partner and a purpose for me to be able to live authentically.

Purpose came when the 2016 election yielded its results.

Cheri and I were traveling in the weeks before and after Election Day and we were in Austin on the way to the Davis Mountains in west Texas when we heard the news. The mood was bleak in Austin, and Cheri and I were glad to be heading to mountains and relative isolation to mentally and emotionally process. We understood that things were going to be tougher for queer people with the new administration.

Less than a year later, I launched Queer Chocolatier.

I was nervous about how I would be received in terms of both time (in the era of the current administration) and place (Muncie, Indiana).

Truly, this was as big of a coming out moment as I could imagine having. And I'm grateful for all the love and community I have found since coming out as a queer businesswoman! Being visible worked for me in this way and in this moment. Every moment that I step further out into the community to take up more space more visibly, the more that energy comes back to me and it builds upward and upward. From having a small table at farmers markets for people to come tell me their stories or to ask me questions on how to support those they love who are queer or trans to having a queer sober space at the Chocolate House where people would come on dates or young queer teens would bring their parents, the momentum just sweeps me up to do more and say more.

But in case it isn’t clear, let me say this:

My name is Morgan Roddy. I use she/her/hers pronouns. I'm queer and I sell chocolate. And I wish you a Happy and Proud National Coming Out Day, however you choose to celebrate it!

IMG_20200422_160828_703.jpg

LGBTQIA

8 Queer Films to Watch During an 8 Week Quarantine: A Guest Blog Post by Matthew Yapp

8 Queer Films to Watch During an 8 Week Quarantine:

The current state of the world is not very fun. If you’re like us at Queer Chocolatier right now, you’re facing the full effects of a global pandemic and nationwide quarantine. But fret not! Scientifically, there is almost nothing that queer cinema can’t fix. Because of that completely peer reviewed and test fact, I’ve gone ahead and compiled a list of LGBTQ+ movies that you can use to distract from the less than ideal situation we’re facing. So sit back, relax, and watch some adorable queer folk find love.

The Way He Looks

(image source: letterboxd.com)

(image source: letterboxd.com)

It’s not all that common to find a movie about disabled queer people, even less so to find one about disabled queer people of color. The Way He Looks comes through delivering a truly touching story that is perfect for these grim times. If you don’t mind subtitles that is, as the film is entirely in Portuguese (be an adult and read the dialogue, it won’t hurt you). Leonardo is a blind teenager coming to the realization that he has feelings for one of his closest friends. A movie that truly moves, The Way He Looks captures that all-too-familiar feeling of awkwardness you get when you fall for your friends and the nostalgic charm of a first crush. With a soundtrack to die for on top of beautiful cinematography this film is certainly worth a watch. It was recently taken off of Netflix but is still available on Amazon Prime Video.


The Birdcage

(image source: nydailynews.com)

(image source: nydailynews.com)

This is a Robin Williams movie. That should be enough for you. I’ll explain more though. Robin Williams is a man in a loving relationship with a drag queen. When their son reveals that he wants his fathers to meet his fiancés’ conservative Christian parents, they devise a scheme to fake straight in order to make things a little easier. This film is as heartwarming as can be and most importantly it’s hilarious. With its charm lying in its characters, The Birdcage is a fantastic film about love, acceptance, and the perfection of Robin Williams. You can watch The Birdcage by renting it on YouTube.


But I’m a Cheerleader

(Image source: drafthouse.com)

(Image source: drafthouse.com)

Finally, a lesbian romcom. It’s what we all deserve really. Megan is the girl at school everyone wants to be. She’s a cheerleader, she’s popular, and she’s dating a football star. What more could you want? Well, in Megan’s case, she wanted to date girls. When her parents send her to a conversion therapy camp, she begins to truly find herself and love. Natasha Lyonne truly shines in this film, but honestly who’s surprised? While the film sounds a little dramatic, it’s actually a very sweet and funny movie that doesn’t take itself too seriously. Also, RuPaul plays a conversion therapist which is something everyone needs to see, so check it out. This film is available on Amazon Prime Video


Boy Meets Girl

(Image source: Washington post)

(Image source: Washington post)

It was depressingly hard to find a trans love story which is fairly reflective of the representation that trans folks often receive from the media. However, after some searching, I found Boy Meets Girl. The story centers around a young woman named Ricky who wants to abandon her small town and move to New York. Things grow more complicated as we see her relationships with her friends change and a relationship with a new woman in town blossom. In full transparency, I think this movie has some technical issues when it comes to sound design and visuals. That being said it is tender, touching, and unexpected. I think it is a pretty solid queer love story that can satisfy your desire for some good trans representation. You can actually get this film on YouTube for the low price of $1.99


4th Man Out

(Image source: Hollywood Reporter)

(Image source: Hollywood Reporter)

This movie shines a light on one of the very realistic but often ignored struggle for queer people, which is coming out in your adult life. Far too often in media it is looked at as something that is done tearfully and simply in your teen years, but for many people, they go well into their adulthood before feeling comfortable discussing their sexuality with their loved ones. 4th Man Out centers around Adam’s changing life as he comes out as gay to his three extremely close, extremely bro-ish, best friends. It explores the dynamics of friendships between straight and gay men rather well, and, at the end of the day, it’s really charming and funny. Also Chord Overstreet from Glee is in it, and is anything more gay than a movie that ties back to Glee? 4th Man Out is available to stream on Netflix.


Love, Simon

(Image source: slashfilm.com)

(Image source: slashfilm.com)

Come on, you had to expect this one. This film was a trailblazer in its own right having a major company putting into theaters all across the country, Love, Simon focuses on a young man named Simon and his journey through self-acceptance and desire for love. In a similar vein to But I’m a Cheerleader, this movie is just a classic high school love flick. I think that is good though because the generation of queer teenagers in high school right now deserve to see the same campy love stories that their straight peers get to see.  It’s nothing groundbreaking in terms of story but genuinely sometimes you just want to watch something dumb and romantic. Love, Simon is easy listening in terms of queer love and would be an excellent movie to watch if you focus on something a little more wholesome than the world around us. Love, Simon is currently streaming for free if you have a Disney+ subscription, and is available on Amazon Prime for rent if you do not.


San Junipero

(Image Source: IMDB.com)

(Image Source: IMDB.com)

Okay listen, I know not everyone classifies this one as a movie, but it’s an hour long stand-alone story, it’s perfect, and it’s my list, so we’re going with it. San Junipero is equal parts mysterious and moving. It is the only movie on this list that brought me to genuine tears just from the emotion it creates. The story centers around Kelly and Yorkie, two women who meet in the ’80s and their relationship develops from there. Everything about this movie is beautiful: the costumes, the cinematography, the score, and most importantly, the relationship between the characters. San Junipero can be watched on Netflix. 


Carol

(Image source: Vox.com)

(Image source: Vox.com)

Carol is one of my favorite movies of all time and Cate Blanchett is literally the greatest actress of all time. The movie follows a young department store worker and aspiring photographer who begins a complex relationship with a rich mother going through a divorce. The film, which takes place in 1952, really delves into the difficulties and complex nature of being queer in the past. The movie is visually stunning. Director Todd Haynes and cinematographer Affonso Gonçalves deserve all the praise in the world for how gorgeous this movie was. It was shot on an ARRIFLEX 416 Camera with special lenses specifically to make it look sort of older, the high saturation on it makes it almost feel like you're watching a movie on old film. I can’t recommend this movie enough. It was sadly taken off of Netflix but can still be rented on Vudu.com

And there you have it, a collection of queer movies sure to brighten any quarantined individuals socially distant days. If you liked these suggestions and would like to hear more hot takes from me, follow me on Twitter @mattyappish. 

LGBTQIA

The Movement to Build a Queer + Sober Community

The Movement to Build a Queer + Sober Community

As Cheri and I wrote last November, queer, safe spaces are becoming a more in demand. Especially so for those spaces that serve the queer community while also maintaining an alcohol-free environment.

The number of queer sober spaces is growing at such a rate that mainstream media is beginning to pick up on the movement!

Recently, NBC covered Queer Chocolatier, Sis Got Tea and even more businesses and organizations that are aiming to fill the gap in local scenes. I was fortunate to express my thoughts on how vital spaces such as ours is to the social fabric:

For Roddy, keeping Queer Chocolatier alcohol-free is a commitment to keeping the space accessible to patrons of all ages and those recovering from substance abuse. She also believes it will foster a better environment for political discourse and community activism.

Me, queerly dunking a palmier in a queer cup of coffee while wearing an orange queer t-shirt, with a bunch of photos queer folx on our Family Wall in the background.

Me, queerly dunking a palmier in a queer cup of coffee while wearing an orange queer t-shirt, with a bunch of photos queer folx on our Family Wall in the background.

Cheri and I recently traveled to Louisville, KY to meet and partner with Arielle Clark, who owns Sis Got Tea for an event hosted by Trouble Bar to pair her tea-infused mocktails (and, for some, cocktails) with a selection of our truffles. Arielle and I have had opportunities to discuss the importance of queer, sober spaces and we share the same passion to serve our communities. In supporting one another, we increase each other’s chance to support their local residents.

From left to right, Cheri Madewell, Morgan Roddy, and Arielle Clark at an event “Sis Got Tea in Trouble.” Madewell and Roddy are co-owners of Queer Chocolatier in Muncie, IN and Clark is the owner of Sis Got Tea in Louisville, KY

From left to right, Cheri Madewell, Morgan Roddy, and Arielle Clark at an event “Sis Got Tea in Trouble.” Madewell and Roddy are co-owners of Queer Chocolatier in Muncie, IN and Clark is the owner of Sis Got Tea in Louisville, KY

It is my hope that 2020 is a big year for building the movement for more queer and sober places. And, as LGBTQIA+ youth become more aware of themselves at younger ages, there needs to be spaces for them to interact with other queer individuals. Queer bars absolutely are still incredibly important to the LGBTQIA+ population, but it is nice to see a burgeoning development of options available for folx that meets the needs for all ages and for those in recovery.

Join this movement!

Find the local queer businesses in your community and support them.

Especially if they are sober spaces.

More especially if the owners are multi-marginalized. Not just because it is "the right thing to do" but because you'll be pleasantly surprised with how much thought and care is put into their spaces and products to make them as accessible and enjoyable as possible which, as it turns out, has a lot of costs and not much profit margin associated with creating that space or product.

But these queer pioneers are passionate about their craft and their commitment to community and are willing to work hard to build these businesses!

Here’s a way to support Queer Chocolatier: consider shopping with us for your Valentine's Day chocolate gifts! Valentine's Day is an important milestone holiday for our business and if you only shop with us once, this time of year has the most positive impact for us!

Small Business, LGBTQIA, cocoa wonkery

"Enabler? I barely know her!" Queer Chocolatier's First Podcast Interview

Meet my friend Chris!

Chris Clarke has a wonderfully engaging and entertaining podcast: Something About Food? The title is incredibly literal; something, anything to do with food comes up and listening to it as much as being a part of it feels as nourishing and comfortable as if you're reaching across the table to sneak a bite from a beloved's plate. Chris's warm, open, curious nature--along with her own food expertise from over three decades of being a chef--makes her a gifted interviewer and I'm extremely hopeful that our chat was the first of many.

It was a pure joy, being able to speak about Queer Chocolatier, travel, food, my wife, LGTBQIA2+ issues, and more food. I hope I made all of you proud as you listen to me wax poetic about all the things I love. And, if you like what you hear regarding Chris and her passion for getting everyone around the table for a chat, you should give her a subscription and review! Support your makers and creators, be it food or stories!

Check out our conversation, Episode #38 "The Enabler," at the following podcatchers:

On iTunes: http://bit.ly/itunes_somethingaboutfood
On Google Play: http://bit.ly/google_somethingaboutfood
On Spotify: http://bit.ly/spotify_somethingaboutfood
On Libsyn: http://bit.ly/somethingaboutfood_38
On Stitcher: http://bit.ly/stitcher_somethingaboutfood
On iHeartRadio: http://bit.ly/iheart_somethingaboutfood

Thanks again, Chef! Can't wait to have you come visit our Chocolate House in Muncie!

LGBTQIA

Thoughts on Pride from a Queer Chocolatier

Thoughts on Pride from a Queer Chocolatier

In the forty-nine years between the Stonewall Riots and today, the LGBTQIA2+ community has experienced wave upon wave of changes, from new letters of identities being included in our community acronym to the SCOTUS ruling in 2015 that same-sex marriage be federally recognized and from a reboot of Queer Eye and to black and brown stripes being sewn into the rainbow flag.

The month-long celebration of our queerness and trans*-ness in the heat of June sunshine has also changed from its inception. Some of the changes render Pride celebrations hardly recognizable from the early riots, yet much of the emotional outlets and connections remain as true to message as ever: “We’re Here! We’re Queer!”

My wife and I have attended three Pride marches in two states in the last three years. We weren’t married during the first year we marched alongside one another under the brutal Indiana summer sun but, again thanks to SCOTUS, we wed later that same year. Indy Pride was extraordinary that year due to the outpouring of support in the face of the passing of RFRA--Religious Freedom Restoration Act--which was a blatant attempt to codify statewide discrimination against queer and trans* folx.

Hoosiers showed up in large numbers to surround us with love.

 
Cheri and I, before we were married, marching with Indy Feminists in the Indy Pride Parade in June 2015.

Cheri and I, before we were married, marching with Indy Feminists in the Indy Pride Parade in June 2015.

 

Living in Minneapolis for our first year of marriage allowed us to attend the Twin Cities Pride celebrations and, although we knew that it was the third-largest Pride parade outside of San Francisco and New York, we were in awe. It was truly a massive crush of humanity.

We relished in our open celebration of our love in a city that seems beyond accepting of queer folx.

 
My wife and I sharing a Pride-ful kiss at Twin Cities Pride in 2016.

My wife and I sharing a Pride-ful kiss at Twin Cities Pride in 2016.

 

Last year, my wife and I moved back to Muncie, Indiana and our small cadre of queer friends all attended Indy Pride together. Our group has folx ranging in age from 20s to 50s and Pride means different things to us individually as much as generationally. This was also the first Pride where I got to meet up with my aunt and her own queer crew.

 
Our return to Indy Pride in 2017, without marching in the parade this time.

Our return to Indy Pride in 2017, without marching in the parade this time.

 

Queer Chocolatier's First Pride

Queer Chocolatier first became #outandopenforbusiness last August, so this is the first Pride month for the business. As such, Cheri and I put lots of thought into how we want to celebrate the month with chocolate and transparency.

For the month of June--for Pride--I am going to return to my roots and celebrate this month with my Bittersweet Truffles. No rainbow truffles or glitter from Queer Chocolatier.

Bittersweet Truffles represent not only my beginnings as a chocolatier, but they represent pride in the quality of what I offer you as well as serving as a metaphor for the complicated feelings I have about Pride celebrations: 

I am simultaneously critical of and hopeful for Pride.

Pride Critiques

As Pride has grown even more flashy and colorful, it still remains overwhelmingly white, racially-speaking. Recent Pride events across the nation also have increased their rapidly-growing corporate and police presence.

In part, this can be explained because of the organizing bodies that put the work into coordinating Pride events are also mostly white. Observing this isn't meant to be callous; it is a feat to put together such events but the amount of labor, including emotional labor, must be absolutely draining. For someone who is of lower income, or not able-bodied, or of an ethnic or racial minority, such labor may be simply too much to add to their own daily struggles of societal navigation.

In many instances, it is easy to see how today's version of Pride lacks resonance with queer and/or trans* persons of color as well as younger folx. QTPOC are more likely to have negative encounters with law enforcement than white queer and/or trans* folx. And, broadly speaking, our queer and/or trans* youth are savvy and critical of capitalism and conspicuous consumerism in a way that older generations are not. Both QTPOC and younger queer and trans* folx are at greater risk of economic, physical, and mental harm.

QTPOC

When the 2017 Columbus, Ohio Pride parade was blocked by Black Lives Matter protesters who were bringing to light the violence that QTPOC experience, some white organizers and participants were irate that the space was no longer made comfortable for them. Not only were they irate, they aggressively pursued charges against the Black Pride 4, thereby shining a harsh spotlight on the growing chasm between the middle-class white cis queers and QTPOC. There was a stark division on display during this parade and later at the Twin Cities parade, where protesters were quickly mobilized after the acquittal of the officer who killed Philando Castile; it is shameful that cities that have shown a lot of acceptance with queerness have not put in the labor to be as racially and ethnically inclusive.

It is especially shameful that this division is within our own house. Particularly as we owe Sylvia and Marsha a great debt for the roots of our month of celebration but we also demonstrate that we would likely kick them out of "our" space were they with us today. Pride organizers can and must do more to pass the mic and be inclusive.

Queer and/or Trans* Youth

A segment of our queer youth lack a connection with Pride because they haven't directly witnessed some of the ugly historic events firsthand.  Possibly this could be a consequence of the success of society's acceptance of queer and trans* people. But I suspect our queer and trans* youth is sometimes leery of Pride because in part of the pervasive "Rainbow Marketing" corporatization and commercialization of the events.

For the longest time, queer and trans* folx weren't seen as market-worthy. More frequently, we were discriminated against before we even could show that some of us had money to spend; folx would have to remain in the closet when banking or purchasing a home or applying for work. Some still do since there are too many states that still have no legal protections for queer and/or trans* persons. When Pride parades are filled with corporate sponsors and employers touting their diverse workforce, some older queer and/or trans* people see this as progress because they remember a time that corporations willfully forgot that green ($$$) was a color in the rainbow.

However, the youth in our marginalized community are often crushed under the wheel of society's venomous "religious liberty" laws and are more concerned with finding a safe place to call home rather than which company is courting them for their disposable income. Our youth are still suffering from violent bullying, mental health issues, and lack of stability at home or work once they enter the job market. It is shallow to be excited over the next rainbow flavored or colored widget to buy when LGBTQIA2+ youth are 120% more likely to experience homelessness versus others.

These overlapping issues of race and class must be addressed in order for Pride to remain inclusive, relevant, and courageous. 

Pride Praise

Pride is not without bright and shining moments that are praiseworthy. As an effort to listen to and address the concerns of QTPOC, some cities such as Minneapolis and Edmonton, Canada are adopting a policy that uniformed police officers are not allowed at the Pride events but police officers can instead participate out of uniform as members of the community. Whether this will fully tackle the dynamic between law enforcement and marginalized communities is not the question, but the steps taken in engaging with the community on their terms will hopefully bear fruit to show how we can reclaim our spaces.

Again, it cannot be overstated that Pride began as a riotous demonstration of visibility, dignity, and liberty. 

As such, we cannot remain complacent in simply partying and shopping our way to full equality and justice in society. To that point, Anthony Niedwecki wrote in his piece in The Advocate earlier this month, "As we again feel that same boot of oppression crushing down on us and other minority communities, it is time for us to once again use our collective might in active defense of justice and equality." Pride, out of necessity, must be a political event and we need to do all we can collectively to engage one another so that we can more fully resist the oppression of dominant groups.

One way that folx are making a political statement is to throw Queerbomb events rather than participate in the mainstream Pride parades. Queerbomb Austin, for example, turns to crowdfunding instead of courting corporations for money to celebrate their queerness on their own terms, with promoting speakers such as a queer deaf community activist and sex workers' rights activists in 2018. In contrast, Pride events have arguably pursued palatability rather than authenticity. 

I hope Pride can reclaim some of its defiant glory.

But perhaps out of some small measure of defiance, several communities throughout the country organized their first Pride events for 2018. Rural spaces and small towns often are challenging places for queer and/or trans* folx to be visible and free. When communities come together to launch their own Pride parade, without the flash and slick advertising found in LGBTQIA2+ meccas, the main thing on display is courage. Columbus, IN, home of the (in)famous Mike Pence, celebrated Pride in April of 2018 based on the hard work and organization of a bisexual high school student. Southern Illinois is also having its first Pride event this yearwith much of its efforts on supporting the rural LGBTQ youth who struggle with isolation and rejection more than their counterparts throughout the country.

DIY Pride events aren't limited to small towns throwing their first celebration. The National Women's Soccer League recognizes Pride as a meaningful event for its players and fans, however, one team regularly holds out. The Washington Spirit owner, Bill Lynch, is a person who holds conservative political views and projects them regularly over his team and its operations, in ways that include not only dismissing Pride events but also in thwarting visiting team's star Megan Rapinoe's national anthem protest by unilaterally deciding to play the anthem while both soccer clubs were in their locker rooms. As a result, fans create their own Pride Night events as a way to push back against an owner of a club they feel doesn't represent their voice.

Still Proud

When queer and trans folx have adversity to face, we can galvanize to push back and boldly make a statement. But, when we have reached a certain level of "tolerance" or "acceptance" from society, we tend to forget that while some of our struggles have lessened, others in our family are still at risk of great harm. 

As a businessqueer, I am proud of being visible but I recognize it isn't easy for all of us to be so. Founding Queer Chocolatier has given me a platform. For others, Pride may be their platform and for others still, there may not be a platform to be had.

For me, to remember the current challenges and risks faced by the most marginalized in our community is also to remember the recent and historical struggles our community faced. Our liberation must be for our most vulnerable. 

We need to continue to remember our roots. We need to return to our basics. We need to return to unapologetic love. And I can do that while still being proud.


Let me know how you feel about Pride, our community, and Queer Chocolatier. What would you want to see from our business to stand in solidarity with queer and/or trans* folx in our community?

And let me know how you would like to join me in solidarity. Because Pride is about all of us and it is political. And we can't make it in this world without each other.

Small Business, LGBTQIA

Expanding my business has introduced me to Shadow Morgan

I feel like a walking shadow version of myself.

I think folx generally like to fancy themselves as good people, good friends, and good partners. Include me in that camp. But, deep down, we all know the few times we could have all been a better friend to someone (letting a call go to voicemail instead of answering) or a better person (I don't pick up every piece of litter I see, but I sure as hell take back my shopping cart to the space it belongs because I'm not a monster).

What I mean by Shadow Morgan, though, is I feel something different and shifted in addition to not feeling like a good friend or wife or person.

  • My energy is shifted. I feel less extroverted than what I usually feel.
  • My home-cooking is different and uninspired, mostly because of a lack of appetite.
  • My interest in anything new, unless it is complete escapism, has waned.

But I don't let calls go to voicemail anymore. Mostly because a lot of those calls have rightfully just stopped coming through.

Is it worth it?

I have this very question in my head that works like a nagging snooze alarm. It's nagging in the sense that it comes around way too often, but irregularly so. Usually at times when I am feeling particularly low.

Funny how I don't often ask this of myself when I have good moments and days.

It gets increasingly difficult to remember and focus on those good, solid wins and it isn't fair to make my wife the Keeper of Good Memories when I am the one who needs to have them in my back pocket. It also isn't fair for me to look externally for the answer of "Is it worth it?" when I am actually living out what I know is a dream.

The honest answer is a begrudging yes. Yes, sigh, it is worth it. Gosh!

What to do with Shadow Morgan?

I figure Shadow Morgan is not just a phase, and isn't just a contextual phenomenon that is tied to the expansion of the business. Yes, I'm sure stress is manifesting itself in some ways. I've certainly become grayer, but I actually like that (and it helps that Cheri likes it, too). But I think the truth might just be a bit beyond the stress of this stage of the business.

I think I may actually have depressive symptoms. 

And, purely speaking for myself as I do not care to speak for anyone else who experiences depression, I kinda think coming to this conclusion is a good and healthy step for me (although a confirmation rather than my amateur diagnosis would be wiser). I can explore more clearly my moods and thoughts as they come to me and I can practice a bit more reflection as to how I come to feel the way I do.

Do I intend to go on any steps to medicate myself or pursue therapy or eat nothing but turmeric for a month? 

Maybe.

I don't care for the mockery of those who rely on medicine to cope with their day-to-day lives. I also don't particularly care for the mockery of those who follow acolytes who peddle snake oil. 

I care for people. 

I know that lots of folx are hurting and experience that hurt in a myriad of ways. I know that a lot of people seek refuge in whatever way they can. To that end, I know that there are others who seek to take advantage of those who are seeking help.

Those manipulative assholes can go jump in a lake.

Depression in the LGBTQIA2+ community

Our community experiences significant mental health issues at a greater rate than the general population. Much of our mental health stems from society's treatment of queer and/or trans* folx. Yes, we can get married now, but that was never the main issue for the diverse queer and/or trans* community as much as it was for cis gay men. We still face stigma and discrimination, both on the micro and macro levels (see Oklahoma's new bill signed for "faith-based" agencies to discriminate against LGBTQIA2+ couples from adoption).

Major depression is one of the two mental health issues queer and/or trans* folx experience, along with generalized anxiety disorder. Which means it shouldn't really be too much of a stretch for me to come to understand that I may be experiencing depression that is just manifesting at a time that is also coincidentally stressful.

  • I've isolated myself more than I would care to, but I don't have the spoons for a lot of company either.
  • I find confirmation of my failures rather than my successes.
  • My overall self-esteem is lower than what I would call usual for myself (although, to confess, it was quite high to start).

But, ultimately, coming to see this for what it is will allow me to make adjustments in my life, to communicate these adjustments, and to better manage my own expectations of myself and others.

Shadow Morgan adds another dimension to Morgan, it doesn't replace me altogether, nor is it something to "cure" or "push through" to "get over." That language is fairly violent. It can cause a lot of self-harm to someone who hears those words as a constant message. 

Our happiness/comfortable-driven society can go jump in a lake, too, for all I care because we need to address mental health with the dignity and respect it deserves.

New expectations, but same end goal: Open a damn fabulous chocolate house

Opening the Queer Chocolatier Chocolate House is still worth it. I need to say it more emphatically, in all honesty. And the reasons are countless in number. One of them is pertaining to this post: I care for the well-being of myself and for our queer and/or trans* family. 

I'm no doctor, although on my way to becoming an entirely different sort of doctor (which I totally and thankfully bailed on), I learned over and over again the importance of communities, spaces, and places and our personal connections to them. Queer Chocolatier is more than just tasty, ethical chocolate. We are queer and we demand to have a space carved out for queer and/or trans* folx and for those who stand in solidarity with us. 

  • We will post access to resources, both in our chocolate house and on our website for the days you just can't quite leave your own home.
  • We will create a library for folx to hear stories that more closely reflect their own.
  • We will have Homo Decor pieces to warm your own spaces.
  • We will provide ways of connecting folx so that bonds can be created and strengthened.
  • And we will keep making damn fine chocolate along the way.

Reminding myself of the things Cheri and I plan to do with our chocolate house, and reminding myself that no one else is building what we are building, is a way for me to peek my head above the fog for a moment and keep in mind that, yes, this is all worth it. 

And even Shadow Morgan agrees. Albeit, begrudgingly. I'm okay with that.

Small Business, LGBTQIA

Unapologetic Transparency: Queer Chocolatier Makes The Wall Street Journal

Unapologetic Transparency:
Queer Chocolatier Makes the Wall Street Journal

Cheri Ellefson (left) and Morgan Roddy at their retail space for their business, Queer Chocolatier in Muncie, IN.

Cheri Ellefson (left) and Morgan Roddy at their retail space for their business, Queer Chocolatier in Muncie, IN.

Our business model sits on a bedrock of transparency. 

We are queer and we will make you indulgent chocolates.
We take great care in knowing where and how our source chocolate is made. 
We love to explain our processes, our practices, our relationship, our social/political/economic positions.

Transparency and openness is who we are and what Queer Chocolatier stands for.

Our venture into transparency was furthered by an article feature in the Wall Street Journal

Raw, unyielding financial transparency.

The article, in the Wealth Management section of WSJ, digs into our salary, debt, expenses, and goals. When posed with this opportunity, Cheri immediately realized that not only was it tremendous exposure, but it solidifies our passion about being open about who we are, whereas I was truly nervous. Cheri is the perfect guide and business coach. She was right, and I knew that she was right, but it took her belief in me to steady my nerves and recognize the marvelous chance to double down on transparency. 

With this article, perhaps we can demystify the small business process, build solidarity with those who constantly feel shame about their debt or worry about money, and also strengthen our relationships with new and long-time customers with our consistency and commitment.

It isn't easy building a business from scratch. We have self-funded our business and our aunt is our first financial backer by loaning us $500. We hit hurdles and have challenges, but we are persistent and we accomplish our goals.

Our long-term goals are large. We know reaching them will take a lot (hard work, luck, and financial capabilities, etc.). And sometimes I'm afraid. It really isn't easy and if it weren't for a beautiful community of customers who have repeatedly demonstrated their belief in us and in our product, I would have already crawled into a hole by now.

But I am in unapologetic love. With my wife. With chocolate. With our community. With adventure.

Ask us any questions you have. We will gladly answer. We are your Queer Chocolatier.

LGBTQIA, Small Business

Cake, Christ, Court, and Country: A Series of Short, Open Letters by a Queer Chocolatier

Dear Charlie and Dave,

Congratulations on your wedding! What a beautiful occasion to celebrate your love with the most special human on earth! Your love must be incredibly enduring to hold your bond so fast, especially with such events that have lingered since your nuptials. 

Within the last two years, my wife and I got married as well! We went very cheap, simple, and small for our ceremony, but we intend to have a grander celebration in the coming years. We both love cake. And I will speak for both of us (and the larger LGBTQIA2+ community) and say "thank you" for helping us weed out bakers that we won't need to patron!

You see, we all deserve the best. I'm guessing that you visited Masterpiece Cakeshop under the impression that it was of high-quality. I'm sorry that instead of getting high-quality you got high court.

To me, as a queer woman who owns a small business, transparency has been paramount to my operations. My customers know who I am to the core. They know they will also receive an outstanding product. I truly wish that transparency was how everyone and every business operated, but I'm shouting at the wind with such a wish. Maybe my transparency model will catch on through example rather than wish.

But, to the point, no one deserves to be discriminated against, especially during a time of celebration and a moment that will imprint itself on your memory until twilight.  Your case not only represents many queer and/or trans* folk, but it represents a large percentage of the frayed and worn social fabric of our nation. At least the patches that are not square, white, male, cisgendered, heterosexual, and claim Christianity as their faith regardless of their misinterpretations of Christ's words and deeds. As Lourdes Rivera writes in her piece

"The Court cannot accept those arguments in the LGBT context without undermining hard-won gains in equality for women and other groups and inviting a regression to the dark parts of our past we thought we’d left behind: a world of segregated lunch counters, and women confined to the home."

This is all a rehashing of our value in society through the foggy lens of religion.

We are valuable. We are lovable. 

Remain courageous and remain unapologetically in love, Charlie and Dave.

In solidarity,
Morgan Roddy, Queer Chocolatier


Dear Jack,

I'm sure these are trying times for you as well. You hold a deeply-held belief and feel as though you are only defending your rights to creatively express yourself and maintain your religious freedom.

We actually have a few things in common. We are both passionate about our culinary creations. We are both white and cisgendered. We are both businesspersons, albeit you have certainly been in business much longer than I. And, on the face of your argument, I can imagine that I would not want to be compelled into doing something I do not believe.

But there is more than just the face of your argument. Its core, its roots, its bones are not only discriminatory but it is just really, really bad business, to the point that over 30 large businesses filed an amicus brief in support of the case's respondents. Not that you're without powerful, if not controversial, support of your own. You may contend that, even though the majority of America and the majority of small business owners find discrimination against queer folks to be utterly distasteful, we are in the wrong because we have been swayed while you remain resolute and firm in your beliefs.  

Fine. I'm not a Christian and, as a self-identified comfortable agnostic, I can say that I am not guided by a religion. You've got me there.

But I am often moved by the words and deeds of Christ and I am especially taken by those who preach the gospel through actions instead of words.

The message of Christ was neighborly love.

And I am thoroughly befuddled why a cakemaker--someone who makes a product that is nearly universally loved--who claims to be a follower of Christ can perform some monumentally unloving acts. Not only are you performing un-love, you and those defending your case in the highest court in the land are making a significant effort to codify your unloving, discriminatory business practices.

I know that my queer self will not discriminate in my business practices. I would even prepare a box of truffles for you, despite your "sincerely-held beliefs" that my marriage is an abomination. I consider myself lucky that you would simply not choose to do business with me since it is clear from the outset who I am and what my business is about.

It is about solidarity, fierce and unapologetic love, and chocolate. 

Jack, I hope your collective efforts prove to be a modern-day parallel of Sisyphus. 

Unapologetically yours,
Morgan Roddy, Queer Chocolatier


Dear Tony, 

(Wait, can I call you "Tony" or should I just stick with Justice Kennedy? I'm sorry for my fluster. You're the first Justice I've written, despite my deep and abiding love of RBG.)

You've got quite the hot seat on the bench! All eyes will be on you and your position on the Masterpiece Cakeshop v Colorado Civil Rights Commission. Folks like me are not exactly comfortable with this arrangement, but we are hopeful all the same.

We watched you give Hobby Lobby--and conservative businesses and the religious right--a victory in taking away women's access to birth control through employer-sponsored health insurance coverage. But, a great many of us also celebrated your position in Obergefell: 

No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization's oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right.

You tempest of the Court! How you pitch us to and fro!

All feelings aside (or as many as will be patient enough to sit for a brief minute without jumping back into the fray), you have quite the case in front of you. The questions of how corporations govern themselves, how government and businesses and individual customers engage with one another, and the friction between free speech (or religion or expression) and anti-discrimination are not easy ones to mull over, but you fully begin that process today.

I begrudgingly recognize the personhood of corporations that our nation seems to hold as true. That seems to be of a particular import in this case as Jack Phillips contends mightily that it is his beliefs that are under assault, his expression that is being coerced by the State of Colorado.

Is that the same as Masterpiece Cakeshop holding those positions? Can the corporate veil simultaneously protect Phillips while he also seeks to shed it? Can he possibly begin to, and please forgive me Justice Kennedy, have his cake and eat it, too?

I will be waiting anxiously until the coming year until you indulge us with your views on this case. As a businessperson, a queer person, and as an American. 

Respectfully yours,
Morgan Roddy, Queer Chocolatier


Dear America,

We are in a fit. And I am exhausted by it.

If you think queer men don't deserve a wedding cake, that they deserve to be discriminated against, that religion is above law regardless of the notion that religion can and is used by some as a thin veil to display power rather than a platform to display love, then how can we move on as a nation?

Perhaps we need to have a sit down chat over some chocolate to figure this out. Together. 

We must do better,
Morgan Roddy, Queer Chocolatier

LGBTQIA

Getting Ready for the Holigays!

Getting Ready for the Holigays!

It's the middle of November and I am now contractually obligated as a small business owner to talk about the holidays.

Or, holigays!

This time of year is a pressure cooker of emotions inside a frenzy of motion wrapped underneath a pretty paper wrapping and bow. Memories, both pleasant and decidedly not, flood us wave after wave in unrelenting fashion until we've turned the corner to January.

And this is for all of us.

Not just those of us in the LGBTQIA2+ community.

Our wedding announcement in December 2015.

Our wedding announcement in December 2015.

Holidays Since Marriage

For me, since marriage, holidays have meant something different. Throughout my 20s and most of my 30s, I'd spent holidays with my aunt or my family of choice (friends who I'd adopted, you see). I'd throw a big meal around Thanksgiving (before "Friendsgiving" as a term had legs) and I'd crash someone's home for Christmas.

No muss, no fuss.

But now I have in-laws and my idea of family has grown. I have a mother-in-law who loves to bake, a father-in-law who can make nearly anything by his hands, sisters-in-law who have brought me into the fold more quickly than I ever expected (to the point where I often can't keep up!), a delightfully charming 9-year-old nephew, and a beautiful bouncing baby niece who will be 6 months old on my and Cheri's second anniversary.

I love each of them. But our queerness has been the rainbow elephant in the room during our family get togethers.

I didn't have to deal with that in my 20s and 30s because I didn't have holidays with my own parents, having never known my father and having no relationship with my mother after my grandparents passed away. 

The very definition of privilege. I never had shouting matches or conflict or violence or eviction from my family over my sexuality or gender identity.

My wife's parents lean hard conservative in their social views, but I honestly believe they love me as an individual. That doesn't necessarily translate to a love of having me as a daughter-in-law by way of being married to their lesbian daughter, however. But, I'm still sheltered by my own privilege in that this is not something that I have to battle directly as a) it is Cheri's parents who have to come to their own reckoning and b) I've aged into adulthood and independence and have no threat of economic or emotional relationships being withdrawn or turning toxic.

In a week, though, we are northbound for Wisconsin for Thanksgiving and we are set for the holigays to commence, in their full tension-filled and passive-aggressive glory!

It's always warm and welcoming at Queer Chocolatier!

It's always warm and welcoming at Queer Chocolatier!

Queer Chocolatier Celebrates YOU during the Holigays!

I know that many other folx have more challenging times during this part of the year and I want to let you know that I am here for you.

I am here for the moments that memories overwhelm or nerves take hold.

I am here for the times you feel you have to steel yourself for going back into battle over dinner trimmings.

I am here for you when you don't feel validated in who you are or who you love by the people who you were surrounded by during your early years.

I am here for you.

Queer Chocolatier sells crafted chocolate truffles, yes. But we also stand in solidarity with those who need neighbors and friends and family but may be lacking during the moments we are most vulnerable. If you need a moment to chat, near or far, send me a message or visit our shop. The only darkness I want you to experience during these last couple of months of 2017 is the darkness of my chocolate confections.

23549983_10155203208438753_1379144958662209334_o.jpg

Show Someone That You Love Them Unapologetically

If you aren't queer and/or trans* (or even if you are), and you know someone who is and has a rough time during the holidays, let them know you love them. Reach out to those around you who may not have a great experience with going home to visit family or doesn't go home at all because of what has happened in the past.

This is the time of year that allies can actually do allyship work and not simply label themselves as allies.

Some things that you can do include making sure you hold yourself accountable to any microaggressions you might accidentally commit. During the holidays, the following microaggressions can be among the most common and the most painful:

  • If you misgender your friend, work through it to do better but don't turn the attention back to yourself on how hard it is to remember pronouns or names.
  • Stand up when someone deadnames a friend or relative. Let that person know that such an act is harmful and violent. 
  • Never, under any circumstances, out someone in front of others, including the family or friends of that individual. Your friend may trust you with that knowledge but may not be in a place in their life to be out fully and that is okay.

Let me help you in showing your friendship and love by providing gifts that can affirm or comfort those you adore. Consider a piece of art from our line of Homo Decor for their home or any one of our selection of truffles, in Classic or Vegan.

Let's all do a better job of taking care of each other during the holigays!

Love,
Morgan

 

 

LGBTQIA

Queer Finances: Should Queers Have Their Own Credit Union?

QUEER FINANCES: SHOULD QUEERS HAVE THEIR OWN CREDIT UNION?

Queer folk can face discrimination at banking institutions. Is it time for queers to have their own credit union?

Queer folk can face discrimination at banking institutions. Is it time for queers to have their own credit union?

If you subscribe to my monthly newsletter, you'll notice that I include a section that I adorably call "News Bites": a curated list of news and media pieces related to chocolate and/or the queer/trans* community. November's issue of the Cocoa Communiqué contained a piece from Forbes (though the original interview was a podcast episode from Queer Money(TM)) and it asked the question: "Should the queer community have its own credit union?"

Dozens of internal responses engaged immediately in a mental traffic jam, desperately trying to nudge their way past another to get out first.

Here's why:

  1. I'm queer and I have some thoughts about how I would like my personal and business finances handled.
  2. I used to be a stockbroker and have a certain amount of financial and economic professional knowledge.
  3. I have an advanced degree in sociology and tend to think about systemic issues, such as the economy and LGBTQIA2+ communities.

Hence, this blog post.

Do I think the queer community should have a credit union of its own? Yes. 

But.

The original interview between Phillip Endicott (who is attempting to launch a queer credit union: Equality Credit Union) and John and David, the hosts of Queer Money (TM), contained some references to data that were interesting and, on the face, very convincing:

  • “In 29 states, you can get married and be denied a home loan because of who you are, how you live and who you love,”
  • Endicott struggles with the notion that LGBTQ people are “considered wealthy and well-off when, in fact, we’re struggling financially.” He continues, “We’ve been adversely affected by all the years of fighting for equality and acceptance.”
  • Endicott says, “We’ve been fighting the HIV/AIDS crisis. We’ve been fighting for marriage equality and equality in general. We’ve been fighting for our rights for so many years.

However, I think there were elements of homogenizing the homos to make a point.

It is true that there have long been battles that the queer community has waged, but some of those battles have been labeled as "LGBTQ issues" instead of what they might have been more accurately described as "cis white gay men" issues. And that's problematic.

Demographics of Wealth and Homeownership

Discrimination of any sort is wrong, particularly when it leads to a barrier preventing financial betterment. In Endicott's reference of discrimination at the bank when applying for a home loan, the only folks who might be shocked or find themselves seeking pearls to clutch are white folks.

People of color (PoC) have long been denied home ownership, which has led to a staggering generational wealth discrepancy between white households and non-white households.

In 2009, a representative survey of American households revealed that the median wealth of white families was $113,149 compared with $6,325 for Latino families and $5,677 for black
families.
— Shapiro, Meschede, and Osoro. 2013. IASP Research and Policy Brief.

These figures are before any consideration is taken regarding sexual orientation, but we can cautiously extrapolate this to mean PoC who identify as LGBTQIA2+ are multiply marginalized and increasingly less likely to enter into homeownership due to discrimination and socioeconomic barriers and, thus, lose out on the biggest wealth generator in our economy. 

Discrimination was pervasive throughout the entire sample, yet the combination of anti-transgender bias and persistent, structural racism was especially devastating. People of color in general fare worse than white participants across the board, with African-American transgender respondents faring worse than all others in many areas examined
— Grant, Jaime M., Lisa A. Mottet, Justin Tanis, Jack Harrison, Jody L. Herman, and Mara Keisling. Injustice at Every Turn: A Report of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey. Washington: National Center for Transgender Equality and National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, 2011.

Trans* folks were surveyed and found to have a homeownership rate of less than half of the general population (32% compared to 67%).

To layer on an additional challenge that is far too frequently ignored, our aging LGBTQIA2+ folx are being crushed by our nation's economic machinations. According to a 2014 report by SAGE, our queer/trans* elders are facing "adverse differential treatment against older same-sex couples seeking housing in senior living facilities" and "this report attests to the role that discrimination plays in worsening this housing instability among LGBT elders."

Housing instability affects millions of LGBT older people around the country, many of whom face severe financial hardship, challenges with employment and unequal treatment under the law.
— SAGE and ERC Documents Discrimination against Older Same-Sex Couples. 2014.

Sexual orientation and gender identity minorities face housing and banking discrimination, but PoC and the elderly are suffering disproportionately when compared with younger and white cis gay males.

As a small favor, I will begrudgingly leave out the rural/urban divide that can also be layered onto this verbal model I'm outlaying! You're welcome!

Queer Financial Struggles

It is also true that the queer community struggles with the duality of being stereotyped as having gobs of money to spend while also not actually having a strong financial situation or outlook. But this might be simply because of lumping folx together who have vastly different experiences and levels of privilege.

According to Experian's 2012 survey, married or partnered gay men have the best financial partnership out of any possible couplings. The average annual household income for such pairings is approximately $116k while married or partnered heterosexual men household earned nearly $22k less, on average.

When it comes to individual income, gay and straight men may earn roughly the same amount, but married or partnered gay men personally take home nearly $8,000 more, on average, than their straight counterparts.
— Experian. 2012. "Understanding Your Customer."

In a clumsy attempt to compare the venerable apples-to-apples, Experian's survey also referenced that lesbians--single or married/partnered--earn more than straight women, but all this does is muddy the waters surrounding the wage gap between men and women, regardless of sexual orientation. 

This is not to be dismissive of the financial challenges faced by straight, unmarried women but rather point out that the notion of a cis white gay man saying "we're struggling financially" while sitting atop the financial mountain falls flat.

Yay! Queers can get married! Now what? wait, where'd you go, gay guys???

When trans* PoC are being murdered at terrifying rates, with 2017 already surpassing the number of such murders in the previous year, planning nuptials isn't at the forefront of their minds for causes worthy of fighting. Whereas, cis white gay men have the majority of the same socioeconomic and political privileges as their straight counterparts, the main thing they lacked in terms of institutional access was in the ability to legally marry their partners. Thus, the cause célèbre of same-sex marriage was born.

This is not to say that other queer/trans* folx didn't benefit from being able to marry whomever they unapologetically loved, but consider that there has been a deafening silence from cis white gay men on a myriad of social justice and civil rights issues after they won their SCOTUS ruling. The amount of capital (social and financial) gay men initially had to invest in the cause of same-sex marriage had a tremendous return; but where are they now?

The backlash against queer/trans* being given a modicum of equality has led to a more focused attack on our community, particularly the trans* community, with a rash of so-called bathroom bills and preventative measures against enacting the passage of hate crime bills.

Gay cis white men need to use their access and privilege to help build a safer and more just environment for the most marginalized in our community before trying to win over our support for a new cause célèbre of wanting a credit union.

Do I think queers should have a credit union for our community? Yes. Credit unions serve communities and we are a community that has unique financial conditions. But a queer credit union does not need to be led by cis gay white men and it does not need to come into existence through the exploitation of the marginalized socio-economic and political contexts of those in the  LGBTQIA2+ community who do not share in such privileges.

LGBTQIA

October 11 is National Coming Out Day: What Does That Even Mean?

National Coming Out Day is Wednesday, October 11, 2017

What does National Coming Out Day mean?

What does National Coming Out Day mean?

Queer Chocolatier is #outandopenforbusiness and my wife and I are out as queer ciswomen (I am bisexual and Cheri identifies as a lesbian). But we both had extremely different experiences in coming out. And everyone's experience is extremely unique to them as identities are complex and context is important. Coming out as queer is not the same as coming out as trans* is not the same as coming out gender non-conforming is not the same as a POC coming out as any one of those identities or orientations. In many cases, it is a privilege to come out that many cannot afford due to being multiply marginalized.

This is all to say the following if you identify as LGBTQIA2+:

  • You don't owe anyone any explanation. Your life and lived experiences are your own and yours to control.
  • You should keep your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health at the forefront of any decision regarding the hows, whys, whos, whens, and wheres of coming out. If you don't feel safe, do not succumb to any sort of pressure to come out to the people or in the environments that you do not feel safe.
  • You are not less than anyone if you do not come out in a public sort of way.
  • You are not better than others if you do come out.
  • You do not have to come out to everyone in your life all at once in order to have "officially come out."
  • You may feel like you need approval by those to whom you come out, but your truth does not change in a manner that is contingent upon their approval (you are who you are regardless).
  • And if you never "officially come out," it doesn't make you any less queer. (Here is a wonderful article that will elaborate on that further.)

However, I do want to acknowledge the importance of visibility. With visibility, there is a space or a community that provides safety. There are role models from which others may learn. There are opportunities to rally around folx with similar experiences. I am in my mid (or late...) thirties and I learn from people who are out and who are older and younger than me every day.

Community inspires me like little else can.

We chose to make our business visible as a way to carve out space. If you want to share your story, visit with people who may have some shared perspectives and experiences, or if you just want a quiet place and moment to let the weight of the world come off your shoulders for a spell, please know that Cheri and I are here for you. 

We see you.

We care about you.

Tomorrow, please feel free to come over to our shop. Come out for yourself or come out for chocolate. Just know that we're happy to see you and be seen by you.

 

LGBTQIA, Small Business

#HeyMuncie!: Queer Chocolatier Goes to Market!

#OutAndOpenForBusiness

Queer Chocolatier centers on the the tangible product of quality chocolate truffles but it also rests on the foundation of an identity that claims space. In some ways, this is nerve-wracking. But it also is refreshing and rewarding!

I am a queer, married ciswoman and I'm going to make you delicious chocolates.

And I am equally proud of my cocoa alchemy as I am of my queer identity.

However, I am acutely aware that not everyone will share my pride. We live and move in an increasingly balkanized society that pushes people to choose sides. By and large I support choosing sides. Furthermore, I believe in the idea of claiming your space first; if I am anchored and grounded in where I stand, others can use me as a landmark and decide whether to stand alongside me or not.

This past weekend of vending at two local farmers' markets was my first time staking my claim in a physical space, outside of the internet, and putting myself out there as the Queer Chocolatier.

And Muncie warmly welcomed me! 

The indomitable Moth Danner runs the Muncie Makers Market and was beyond welcoming me to her roster of vendors!

The indomitable Moth Danner runs the Muncie Makers Market and was beyond welcoming me to her roster of vendors!

It was just one weekend, but I have the sense that Queer Chocolatier taking space meant something to folx. In some cases, people simply wanted good chocolate and I'm not mad! I love talking to people about my chocolate, how I make it, where I buy my source chocolate, how I've come up with some flavors (including flavors inspired by my wife).

This is the price she pays for being my inspiration.

This is the price she pays for being my inspiration.

In other cases, folx came to my booth to talk about identity and business and community. Some came under my canopy to say "Thank you!" or "This is such a cool concept!" 

That matters. 

It matters because queer lives matter. Trans* lives matter. Solidarity matters.

Know that if you are queer, trans*, gender non-conforming, genderqueer or genderfluid, of if you fall anywhere in the spectrum of marginalized sexual and/or gender identity, I stand in solidarity with you. If you're in East Central Indiana, come visit me at Minnetrista's Farmers' Market or at the Muncie Makers' Market and indulge in truffles!

And be unapologetic about taking up the space that you do!