Final Sprint in a Year of Return

Final Sprint in a Year of Return

Chocolate is my life force!

Turning 45 and moving into 2025, I have to say I had a far different idea of what was to come in the year versus what came to be.

I generally consider myself a go-with-the-flow type of person but I feel like I was caught in a massive undertow and struggled to relax in the river of life.

Not everything that happened this year was bad, let me be clear, but there were lots of tumultuous moments that pitched me from here to there and it was hard to feel like I had any sense of stability or being grounded.

All that is to say, I survived and I learned and I lost and I grew.

Don’t Call It A Comeback Or Whatever Betsy Ross Said

2025 was my first year ever operating as a home-based vendor and, despite the learning curve of operating in this manner, I am humbled to say I have had close to $20k in sales even before the final holidays!

To compare this to my mostly-intentional sabbatical of $0 sales in 2024 and to my rental kitchen operation in 2023 which had just over $22k in sales, I am really proud of what I was able to return to do for Queer Chocolatier!

Is it sustainable? No, not at this level and nor at this capacity.

But is it a move in the right direction? Absolutely!

I made products and sold them, that’s ideally what businesses should do, but more than that I was able to develop my skills and make new products that expanded my offerings which will set me up for an even brighter future if/when I return to a production facility outside of my home.

I’m learning a lot about how to do more with less, how to innovate, and how to plan.

Some of the learning has been passive and almost thrust upon me while I was unable to do much except let my thoughts swirl around me during the early days of recovery.

Other lessons, though, I’ve sought after and experimented with and intentionally worked at becoming a better chocolate maker and chocolatier, even planning future lessons for myself to get messy and learn things well-beyond my comfort zone.

It all feels like a reinvention rather than a comeback.

But Let’s Get Through 2025 Before Looking Ahead To 2026

Get the holiday treats you want before they sell out!

I’m treating the holiday season a bit like a final semester project of sorts!

All the things I’ve learned in this, The Year of Chaos, I’m bringing to the final market of 2025.

Minnetrista’s last Indoor Farmers’ Market of 2025 is on Saturday, December 20th from 9am-noon. (Conveniently, this is just before Christmas but sadly just after my 46th birthday!)

I intend to have my table heavily adorned with boxes of truffles, craft chocolate bars—including bar sampler packs, drinking chocolate kits, scones, brownies, pain au chocolat, cinnamon croissant buns, dipped pretzels and bears in pants, and quite possibly some new creations that I’ve been yearning to try for about two months but knew the holiday market season would be the better time for them.

I intend to connect with as many people as I’m able during that market, to thank all of you for supporting me this year and the years before, to wish you all a happy holiday season, to see you during what is often a challenging time of year for some folks and to let you know you deserve a bit of joy amidst other experiences life is dealing out.

If I’m honest, I am looking forward to 46 and 2026 in a desperate sort of way. I’m looking to regain some strength and sense of rootedness. But, I’m also ready to face whatever may come and do a better job of navigating the open waters to see wherever I’m led to be.

Good and Bad, Thankful For All Of It

Good and Bad, Thankful For All Of It

Yesterday came and went like most Mondays do, but it hit me that it was the seven year anniversary of opening the shop in the Village.

I felt the usual mix of emotions: sadness with gladness.

I’m happy that I have been able to get Queer Chocolatier going again this year as a home-based vendor, even with the limitations that come with it because it also provides opportunities including several new customers and lots of new places to vend.

When I started my business in 2017, home-based vendors were much more challenging to operate as and if it had been an option for me eight years ago, I would have jumped right on it as the entry to getting started.

The pandemic led to a bit of loosening of those regulations and now there is greater allowance of what can be made and sold out of the home and ways in which those items are sold; online sales were previously not permitted at all as a home-based vendor and now they are, albeit only within the state of Indiana. Although, I am still unable to wholesale or distribute as a home-based vendor working out of a kitchen that is not commercially certified.

Those restrictions—unable to ship retail out of Indiana, unable to wholesale to another business, and unable to distribute for further retail—really put a ceiling on how much I can scale my business.

I’d love to scale Queer Chocolatier as I have the machines, know-how, excellent suppliers, and customer base (thank you!).

I just don’t have access to a commercial kitchen at this time, but also, it’s maybe for the best that I didn’t have a space this year since I’ve been juggling a day job along with a long, painful recovery from surgery back in May.

Being a home-based vendor is giving me the chance to balance it all out as best as I can without burning out (too badly) and, frankly, is a good fiscal move as my overhead is minimal. I’m also able to roll right out of bed and take something close to 30 shuffling steps to the kitchen and start rolling truffles or tempering bars or measuring out ingredients to add to the melanger.

I have found things to be thankful for, even if it isn’t perfect and is sometimes bad but is overall much better than it was last year.

I do miss having a shop. And being reminded of having had one on the anniversary of its opening made me miss it more.

Honestly, I dream about having a place on occasion.

And before when I would wish for it, it was out of a guilt of social obligation, a desire to have a space to hold for my community again and when I couldn’t make it happen the way I’d envisioned, that desire became an even sharper pang of guilt.

But now, the desire to have a space is so that I can grow the business to a new scope and scale which will allow me to hire and train employees to learn a specialized craft and manufacture. I desire to build a stronger business foundation so that there is enough strength developed to support the community and make a bigger, sustainable, and enduring impact.

This year of being a home-based vendor has been a year of tending to the soil and getting the seeds ready to plant. Next year will be about nurturing those seeds and seeing how well they germinate and grow.

Perhaps by this time next year, there will be a new QC harvest for which I can be thankful for then as I am thankful for where I find myself now.

It's been a looooooong time, fam!

It's been a looooooong time, fam!

First time vending at Hendricks County Pride but not my first time with the good ol’ bisexual finger guns!

Returning to start from Square One has been quite the endeavor!

As I dusted off the blog, I realized I hadn’t posted in over two years… 105 weeks, to be specific.

I guess it would be simple but insufficient to say that a lot has changed in that period of time.

Please allow me to ramble an overview at you:

I Started Powerlifting

I hit a PR in my squat at my first powerlifting meet in December of 2024! 125kg (275 pounds)!

As a major push to work on my physical and mental health (both of which were in bad shape in 2023), I took up powerlifting in early 2024. And when I say I took up powerlifting, I caught fire. I absolutely fell in love with the sport and set a goal to compete in a meet before my 45th birthday.

Powerlifting helped me work through a lot of mental struggles and has played a role in helping me get my Type II Diabetes under control. I got my diagnosis in late 2023 and have been working hard to change some of my lifestyle to wrangle my A1c and blood sugar. I wanted to avoid medication if I could, but that hasn’t been the case for me so I am taking an all-tools-on-the-table approach while centering physical activity such as powerlifting as my main tool.

Two days before my birthday, I competed in a powerlifting meet and I hit two personal records (squat and deadlift)!

My best bench press is 83kg (183 pounds), my best squat is 125kg (275 pounds), and my best deadlift (although it didn’t count in the meet, I did get it lifted so I count it!) is 155kg (341 pounds) which totals up to 799 pounds and is both something I am really proud of and super frustrated by since I’m just one measly pound away from the 800-pound club!

I look forward to the day I get to return to the sport and grow as an athlete.

But, it will take some time because…

I Tore My ACL

This brace was my constant companion for several weeks.

I wish I had a glamorous story to go along with this injury, and I probably could come up with a delightful heroic tale, but it would not be anywhere close to the boring and sad reality of my experiencing a slip-and-fall.

I fell in late February 2025, had surgery in May, and have been in physical therapy nearly six months now with about a week to go before I’m considered to be capable of full work duties with no restrictions.

It makes me nervous as I am not fully recovered by a long shot and I am actually really scared of how I’m going to be able to recover when my physical therapy will come to its end.

My first visit with my surgeon laid out the expectations for me as well as a choice. He let me know that humans can function without an ACL just fine. I wouldn’t be able to stop/start really quickly, or pivot super well, or do anything that requires cutting and changing directions fast.

And at the age of 45, just starting a new stage of physical fitness in my life out of not only interest but for health, I was pretty sure I needed an ACL and opted for surgery.

Having that decision made, the conversation moved toward setting expectations for recovery.

I was told that I wouldn’t feel like myself for anywhere between 9-12 months.

I understood at the time how long it would be, but understanding and feeling are not the same.

I was fairly prepared for the physical journey but I have been underprepared for the mental and emotional toll the injury and surgery have taken on my well-being. I have struggled mightily at various points along the path but there have been moments where I feel like I could rightly celebrate milestones.

And as I’m nearing the halfway mark to that yearlong recovery, I’m at another low point since it will soon be the first time I’m left to my own care without any therapy and presumably not much more follow up with my doctor either.

My lonely travels are set to get lonelier…

But I have to be clear, even though it is a lonely struggle, I have not been alone. I have had people step closer to me and gave me comfort in ways I deeply appreciate and also…

I Got Married

The moment Kathy became my wife.

I’ve known Kathy for several years now and have had the chance to call her a friend for the last few years as our circles and activities began to overlap more and more. It didn’t take long for me to develop a crush on her and I worked up the courage to ask her out on a date in the summer of 2024.

Powerlifting was a way for me to get strong enough to pick up chicks, I’d say with complete seriousness to anyone who would listen.

After our first date, I was plotting ways to physically pick up Kathy over my shoulder much to her chagrin and begrudging delight.

I was in love, what can I say?

And I’m even more in love today than any day before.

The world is a very challenging place for queer and trans folks and that weighs heavily on both of us beyond our own personal reasons as queer women. We work with marginalized populations, we volunteer and fundraise, and we sit with our community.

We got married on New Year’s Eve 2024 and while we deeply love each other, our timetable for our wedding was accelerated in no small part due to the political climate.

Who knows if same-sex marriage would come under attack? (Spoiler: we knew, every fucking queer person knew, and we are right).

But beyond same-sex marriage being vulnerable, we wanted to make sure we could align ourselves to better tackle issues our community faces such as housing and food insecurity, job discrimination, barriers to accessing evidence-based health care, all the way to harassment and violence. Kathy and I have found ways that we can do our best to help our neighbors who need help and I know that I couldn’t do as much without her as I do with her.

We aren’t stopping anytime soon, either!

I Relaunched Queer Chocolatier

After my powerlifting meet but before I trashed my ACL I was able to set up for my first farmers market in over a year.

In January of 2025, I jumped back into operating Queer Chocolatier after a year-long hiatus.

Grace Episcopal Church in Muncie was an endlessly gracious (see what I did there!?) host and shared their certified kitchen with me for many months. But ultimately, it was getting challenging for me to navigate my mental health post-divorce and find the time and energy to make chocolate and juggle a day job let alone even consider my overall well-being.

I made the choice to put QC on hold while I work on healing in all the possible ways.

It was hard and painful to pause this business because I love it so deeply. Queer Chocolatier is where I find a lot of my purpose, to the point it’s all folded back on me and has become my identity in many respects.

The grieving process of stopping my business for an indeterminate length of time was as excruciating as it was necessary. It was only right for me to grieve something that has been an integral part of who I am for the previous six years.

I missed it deeply.

But after marrying Kathy and beginning the process of joining households and merging the lives of our whole family, I began considering the hows of relaunching Queer Chocolatier.

Kathy recommended I start small by being a home-based vendor.

I have been operating as such since the beginning of this year and it has led to many wonderful moments of creation and many moments of cramped kitchen frustrations. Chocolate machines and molds cover the counters. Pantries are chock-full of chocolate or ingredients to make chocolate or packaging to hold finished chocolate.

One estimate I’ve heard a well-established craft chocolate company give for the percentage of space that should be dedicated to storage in a facility making chocolate is at least 50% and I never took it to heart until becoming a home-based vendor!

But I’m back! Queer Chocolatier is here again and still queer, which doesn’t rhyme the way another version of that phrase is more often heard, but you get me.

Over the summer and into the fall, Queer Chocolatier traveled for the first time to five different small town Pride events throughout Indiana! I’d vended before at Muncie Pride and Pendleton Pride and was happy to return to both festivities, but this year I got to go to Hendricks County Pride, Zionsville Pride, and Fishers Pride!

I also returned to my roots and have been vending at the Minnetrista Farmers Market

I Create More

My chocolate-making skills expanded and deepened this year, including making new chocolate formulas such as my Buttermilk White Chocolate and Blond White Chocolate.

The relaunching of the business has given me many opportunities to experiment with new products and learn how to make new chocolates.

I’ve started making bars with more consistency and better quality.

I’ve started making a couple of white chocolate offerings, including a Blond White Chocolate that has me very excited.

I’ve developed a Malted Milk Chocolate and an espresso-infused bar I call the Up All Night bar.

I’ve started dipping products like pretzels and Teddy Grahams in tempered chocolate for quick snacking delights. (I affectionately call the dipped Teddy Grahams “Bears in Pants” in a techno rhythm on repeat!)

I’ve also worked to improve my baking of Pain au Chocolat, Cinnamon Croissant Buns, and Scones. I’ve also launched some of the fudgy-iest brownies I’ve ever encountered.

I’ve expanded my drinking chocolate kits to closely match my bar lineup.

I’ve introduced lots of folks to Cocoa Tea, the roasted and winnowed shells of cocoa beans.

I got to partner with Tulip Tree Creamery and Pilgrimage Wine Company to pair up our chocolate, cheese, and wine offerings for a fundraising event to support the Soup Kitchen of Muncie.

All of these opportunities have been so much delicious fun!

But I’m unfortunately limited by being a home-based vendor…

I can’t wholesale or distribute and I can’t retail outside of my home state of Indiana and I know that some of you who may be reading this are not in Indiana so it makes it difficult to get my products to you.

Maybe I can return to a certified kitchen or, dreamily, a manufacturing space with a retail cafe again, but I’m in no rush as I don’t want to overextend my capacity (which is already limited with the day job and a recovering knee).

Even with limitations, though, and even with a long delay, I’m very happy and proud to say that I’m back!

Queer Chocolatier is remaining unapologetically indulgent with yet another pivot in a long series of pivots!

And if you’ve made it this long in reading this post, I want to thank you for continually showing up and sticking by my side! I appreciate you more than I can express.

It really has been a long time, y’all!

I hope I can be a part of your holiday celebrations and gift-giving moments, even while things are hard everywhere. Let me know how I can bring you a little bit of joy in the dark stretches and let me know how I can be in solidarity with you in the difficult era we are in.

Lots of love from me to you!

Holiday Shipping for 2023 Is Here!

Holiday Shipping for 2023 Is Here!

It’s finally time, y’all!

I’m happy to start making holiday orders happen for everyone who has been asking for online shipping to resume! It’s been a bit of a process for me to begin planning out shipping while working a day job, but I think I have a strategy in place and will adjust as needed.

Here’s what to expect:

• Shipping will only be done on Mondays (possibly Tuesdays, in a pinch).

• Orders received by the Friday before the Monday shipping date will be sent that Monday.

• Orders received over the weekend will be held to the following week for shipping.

• Limited quantities of each flavor will be made available each week and inventory reset each Saturday.

• There is a shipping option to ship right away.

• There is also a “Buy Now, Ship Later” shipping option to hold your shipment until 12/18/23 to ship closer to the holiday.

• All shipping is a flat rate of $15.

• If you’re local, you can pick up at Art Mart in the Village for free! Just be sure to provide at least 48-hours notice so that I can prepare your products and drop off during their business hours.

Holiday Flavors!

As the push to the holiday season continues, I have added some of the favorite holiday flavors to the lineup of offerings! Be sure to check out the current selection and there may be some additional flavors added on in the next couple of months as well, if truffle tests prove delicious!

Dark Chocolate Peppermint Truffles (4-pack)

$12.00

The Turkey Situation

$12.00

Mulled Wine Truffles (4-pack)

$12.00

Holiday well-Being

The holiday season is not universally kind to everyone. There will be some that we care about who struggle during these next few months. Be sure to check in with your loved ones, friends, neighbors, and especially yourself.

This will be a particularly challenging holiday season for me, I confess. This will be the first year of holidays without being married and I’m not sure what to make of it yet. It is a struggle and in some ways I hope that by caring for others I can sort of push through. Is it the healthiest way to process? Maybe, maybe not. But I think it is likely the best option I have in front of me in the immediate future.

All of this is to say that I am hopeful that you are all able to find some bright spots and some joy at some point in the holiday season and if it is a particularly special time for you to feel good about unapologetically celebrating that happiness!

Wishing all of you the very best as we move toward 2024!

Bullies Want a Safe Space

Bullies want a safe space

Well, here it is, y’all. a rare photo of me in adolescence! Bask in the glory of Morgan in the early 1990s.

“Are you a girl or a boy?"

When I was asked that question in middle school for the first time, I hesitated and my hesitation came from confusion.

I didn't understand why I was being asked this question. I took the question at face value, which was my big mistake.

The question wasn't asked in good faith.

When asked, I flashed back and thought about how my mother told me she thought it would be so much easier to raise me if I were a boy. Her saying that made me feel, in the moment, that I was an inconvenience as a girl.

I remember that happening around the same time as when I was in a fourth grade sex ed class and feeling very insecure when skinny girls pointed at me and laughed for having a developed chest already. The next summer, I'd had my first period. Apparently, I was becoming a woman...at 11 years old.

My hesitation was wholly due to not understanding that the question was their attempt at bullying me.

The question wasn't about whether I was female.

The question was whether I was feminine enough.

Here it is plain that, despite the bullying, primary and secondary sex characteristics are not sufficient to meet the threshold of being read as a girl.

In other words, their bullying even way-back-when proved there is an inherent understanding of the decoupling of sex and gender.

And our society has strict gender roles and scripts to follow closely or else one’s gender becomes subject to bullying and policing.

Bullying as gender policing

And therein lies the insidious nature of society's debate about people, especially youth, who are queer or trans: at the root of it all, homophobia and transphobia are gender-based policing and sanctioning.

A particularly painful part of this process is that rampant, unchecked, even state-sanctioned homophobia and transphobia harm cisgender and heterosexual individuals as well and the link between gender policing and the phobias isn’t openly discussed.

If someone is cisgender and heterosexual, they have a very strict set of rules to follow in order to be masculine enough or feminine enough, and those “enoughs" are never enough. There’s always an exaggerated goal to push toward for masculinity or femininity.

If someone is queer or transgender, they’re not performing gender the societally-correct way. They’re calling into question the concept of gender and who (doctors, society, or the individual) has the power to assign gender roles.

There is a tendency for people to retreat and recoil when they are accused of being transphobic or homophobic. Along with a calcium deficiency, they don’t have a homophobic or transphobic bone in their body! Even the people involved in this new wave of the so-called Parents' Rights movement would be more likely than not to be affronted at such accusations.

Because they are actually more concerned with upholding and protecting gender norms, policing gender roles, and banishing anyone who begins to deviate or simply question those norms and roles than they are with the nuances of someone being LGBTQ+.

Gender is meant to be unquestioned and, in some respects, invisible which is why shining a light on gender policing and homo/transphobia is extremely important.

Why else are drag performers under attack?

Drag performances are powerful drivers of the critical examination and questioning of what gender is and means.

They show how gender is performed. And if it can be performed, then a series of questions come to the fore:

• Who can perform gender?

• Can I perform gender?

• Do I have to perform gender?

• Who is the performance for?

With those questions in mind, I think back to that Little Morgan thirty years ago who didn’t know that gender had to be performed. And since I didn’t know, I was being punished for my poor performance.

My poor gender performance was certainly tied to my being actually poor. Poverty, bullying, and gender policing are all intertwined.

If it were not for the fact that I had been in sports since a young age, I honestly don't know if I would have been able to handle that bullying.

I credit sports participation for being the single biggest factor in the development of my self-confidence. This photo was taken the summer after I was first asked by a bully whether I was a girl or a boy.

State legislatures are bullies

Much of my own self-worth came from my formative years of being in competitive sports. Without sports, I think I would have lived an incredibly difficult life.

But, as state legislatures begin to craft hateful bills that prevent trans youth from having access medically-appropriate healthcare, from being able to socially transition at school without their parents knowledge, and from joining sports teams according to their gender, elected officials are outright bullying trans youth while also taking away many critical coping mechanisms and opportunities for self-expression.

I recognize how crucial sports was to my own development and cannot imagine the harm being done to trans youth by taking away those opportunities.

The questions over whether trans athletes belong in competition, and how, are just as disingenuous as the “are you a girl or boy"?” question.

It isn’t about whether a trans athlete winning takes away an important medal or record or scholarship from another person. It is about whether society will afford trans youth the opportunity to discover their self-worth and value and build their self-esteem and skills and become healthy and confident.

If society permits that, then what? We wouldn’t be as easily able to pathologize trans individuals. That’s one of the big impacts that representation has, but more than that, representation allows for people to see themselves when they were previously unseen.

And based on state legislatures pushing through “Don’t Say Gay" bills and school boards making efforts to eliminate specific books from libraries all in the name of saving children from seeing evidence of LGBTQ+ folks existing, it is apparent that any representation of healthy and successful trans individuals simply cannot be allowed in media or in sports arenas.

Queer and trans folk are not to be seen. We are, at best, to be invisible or, at worst, erased. No longer implied, that's the explicit goal of state-sponsored bullying and gender policing.

Parental rights vs parental rights

I listened to a radio show that aired a bit of a public comment period of a school board meeting where a parent decried the presence of certain books in a school library. Her words were shouted into a microphone that books containing LGBTQ+ content were inappropriate, pulling out all the classic tropes of pedophilia and grooming.

A library should be a safe space for her child, she said.

The irony infuriated me.

Mockery over safe spaces has been an old reliable activity of conservative circles for years now.

But suddenly, the bullies want a safe space...

People may come to a reasonable conclusion that this parent and others like her confuse comfort over safety. She’s merely uncomfortable around queer and trans people or with content created by and for them.

However, the problem is that those parents truly believe a school library without LGBTQ+ related content is what meets their standard of safety. Inclusion falls well short of that threshold.

LGBTQ+ folk represent an existential threat for people who believe gender is fixed, binary, and unquestioned. Safety is represented by a secure and shared knowledge that gender is fixed, binary, and unquestioned.

This is why they fight so hard to erase us, because our existence absolutely is a crisis for them.

In order for them to feel safe, they have to eliminate any evidence of our presence, and especially around youth because youth are inquisitive by nature. It is no accident that the “Don’t Say Gay” bills are written for K-3 grades. Curious kids asking about LGBTQ+ people and issues causes anxiety that those questions could lead to questioning gender.

Questioning gender is an attack on power structures and dynamics.

Those in power or fit a heteronormative role do not feel safe in the face of such questioning, so it is better for them to nip it in the bud as early and broadly as possible. This is what conservative parents are pushing for, again, in the name of parental rights.

But, clearly, there are affirming and loving parents of LGBTQ+ kids who do not feel as though they are being heard. Their parental rights are not being considered equally.

Why are legislatures suddenly favoring one set of parental rights over the other? Much like the question of trans athletes belonging and the "Are you a girl or a boy?" question, the question of parental rights is a bad faith line of inquiry.

Listen. There will be no changing of minds or appeals to those in power who uphold rigid gender norms. The only reason parental rights are even being used in this debate is because there are now enough parents loudly willing to fight to defend the status quo of current gender dynamics in our society.

There is no reasoning, no shaming, no satirizing, no convincing those benefitting from our gender inequalities to give up those benefits.

I want allies in particular to understand that. I personally have often tried to rationalize, shame, satirize, and convince those in power and those who defend power structures. Even when I failed, I still felt good, smarter, and funnier but I wasn't successful. The folks in power right now are not receptive to being convinced or shamed. So to what end do we use those tools if they’re not actually successful at challenging power?

The only way to put an end to this obsession with gender is to take away the preferential power associated with certain genders over others. Gender equality and gender-based justice would lead to the end of homophobia and transphobia.

Building a society like that will take immense collective effort. This is where we need to shift our energies instead of trying to appeal to the better nature of those in power.

I'm not even remotely suggesting this will be easy but it is the answer.

The bullies won't like it, will fight it every step of the way, will wage a culture war with scorched earth tactics.

They're already behaving reactionary and extremist with the tiny crumbs of nominal equality we've gained in the last 10-20 years, imagine how hard they will fight if we all embarked on and dedicated ourselves to the fight for gender equality.

What a shame. Our collective effort to build a society in which we all are safe will require making folks in power very uncomfortable and dismantling those power structures.

That is the only way, y'all. Take away the power of the bullies. And the first step is to recognize the links between gender inequality and homo/transphobia and to know that all of this boils down to bullying all of us into sticking to the heteronormative gender roles.

Spread the word. Let’s go!

Forever queer and always proud!

Queer Chocolatier Is Queer to Stay

Queer Chocolatier Is Queer to Stay

Today, the Human Rights Campaign and SHOWTIME announced their awardees for the 2022 Queer to Stay LGBTQ+ Business Preservation Initiative and Queer Chocolatier was named as one of the 25 recipients for this year!

Honestly, I'm in shock and I'm moved to feel such support.

The last couple of years during the pandemic has left me ragged, insecure, and not trusting myself in the ways I used to be. I've second-guessed every decision I've made in the last couple of years because lots of things haven't turned out my way for the business. It's funny, though, that we don't question our decisions when things go right…

The questioning itself isn't bad, I find it healthy, but it has been a bad streak of challenges that feel insurmountable.

It has always been difficult for me to discern whether something is hard because running a business is just tough or is something hard because it isn't meant to be and I'm being given a signal that this isn't the path to go down.

The thing is, I believe in myself. I believe in Queer Chocolatier. I believe in other craft chocolate businesses fighting against the ubiquity of Big Chocolate. I believe in queer businesses and queer spaces and queer community and queer empowerment. I believe in all these things more than ever.

But I have been worn down in this journey.

Being uplifted by this recognition matters a great deal to me and it is my hope that I can breathe new life into Queer Chocolatier with this award in hand!

I wish to continue serving you, supporting and caring for you, and being with you for as long as I can and for as long as you'll have me.

It is my hope that I can remain Queer to Stay for a long, long time!

Please consider my truffles for your holiday gift-giving this year and allow me to earn your business and trust! I'm not always the fastest at producing these days with the addition of a full-time job that is an hour-commute away. But I am absolutely eager to provide you with my unapologetically indulgent chocolate and share with you my experiences of running this business.

Thank you for being here for me and being a part of this journey of craft chocolate and queerness!

Always A Student: Lessons Learned As A Business Owner

Always A Student: Lessons Learned As A Business Owner

Queer Chocolatier is entering its sixth holiday season after opening in 2017. Not a single one of those seasons looks like another. My positive spin on this is that I've been lucky to be constantly learning something new over this course of time.

Holidays are vital to small businesses. Chocolate businesses in particular can experience a “make or break" span between October and February. Somehow, much like every election cycle, this season seems to be the most important ever for QC.

I’ve learned so much over the years.

1. I've developed new skills: chocolate-making, basic carpentry, social media management, small machine repair, crude accounting and bookkeeping, and understanding regulations to the best of my ability.

2. I've learned that community is everything to the success of a small business, not only because of sales but because of the ability to uplift and carry an individual through the most challenging of times.

3. Management and leadership are not the same thing and I have varying levels of competency in both.

4. Doing business with friends is hard but I always want to make those efforts first because the grace I'm shown is the grace I want to give.

But I'm going to take a moment to work through one of the most important lessons I’ve been needing to process for some time:

Perfect isn’t the enemy of good, it is my enemy.

Of all the things I've learned as I've owned and operated this business, this lesson is the most painful and has yet to stick in my brain, so perhaps writing about it will make it a bit stickier.

I keenly feel every mistake I make in my business. Queer Chocolatier has, for better or worse, become an extension of my personality and identity. Whenever I make a mistake, I end up in a cycle of self-abuse. Sometimes I can move through that cycle more quickly than other times because something more urgent comes up to draw my attention. But there are occasions that I fall into a pit and can’t easily lift myself out.

That perfection pit is a dark, cold, spikey place.

I can fall in it anywhere. Mostly because I'm afraid of falling short. Cycles, y’all.

I under-roast my cocoa beans out of a fear of burning them. I over-refine my chocolate formula out of fear the texture may still be grainy. I over-promise when I can get tasks done out of fear of not seeming productive. I under-sleep out of fear of not catching up on my work load.

It seems like being a business owner has made me afraid but maybe it’s because it’s the first occupation in my life that has mattered so much to me.

But that fear has got to be reigned in. Fear should be a warning system, not a guidance navigational system.

It was a big risk to start this business because I had no clue how to do any of it other than make good chocolate and relate to people. I have learned so much through this risk, though, and I have to allow myself to keep learning and growing and not be as afraid as I've allowed myself to become.

Perfect isn't a noble goal. Growth is. Joy is. Empathy is, even empathy for myself.

Y’all have been part of helping me learn this lesson by extending grace and kindness with me over the course of QC's existence. I will look to take these lessons more to heart and not throw away these opportunities to learn.

Thank you.

Reflections on a Small-Town Pride Celebration

Pendleton Pride organizers alongside magnificient drag queen performers. Photo courtesy of @PendletonPrideIN on Instagram.

Pendleton Pride took place this weekend and Queer Chocolatier was invited to be a vendor.

It was an honor to be there because, out of all the Pride events I've been a part of, Pendleton Pride was not only the smallest and most family-friendly celebration, it was also the one that was the most protested.

The town of Pendleton has less than 5,000 residents, mind you.

Small towns across Indiana are beginning to organize their own Pride festivities outside our capital city of Indianapolis. These Pride events are grassroots, community-based celebrations that are filled with eagerness and bravery and love.

They are reflections of their hometowns and of their love of their LGBTQ+ relatives, friends, and neighbors.

A lot of these small town Pride events are organized by parents, loved ones, and allies of LGBTQ+ individuals because of some moment of controversy that required a strong response. For Pendleton in particular, it was a couple of years ago that a Pride flag displayed in a high school classroom was ordered to be removed that kickstarted the organizing of their own hometown Pride. Handfuls of parents came together wanting to support their children who are queer or trans and their momentum continues to build, leading up to this weekend, their second annual Pride festival.

It warmed my heart beyond words to see all the young queer kids with their beautiful style and self-expression running around the park on a gorgeous fall afternoon! Parents came by every booth with smiles and an interest in all the resources available for themselves and for their kiddos. Pet Pride was on glorious display as well!

LGBTQ+ folks from older generations walked around bemused but happy to see such a Pride event in such a place as small-town Indiana. More than once, someone who was probably a decade or more my senior told me they came from a town near there and were surprised and thrilled to be at a Pride celebration in Pendleton "of all places!"

I noticed there weren't too many queer folks my age there, though, and it left me wondering how many people left their small hometowns because they didn't feel welcome or safe there any longer.

It left me feeling with a sense of both grief and hope. Grief for those who fled to larger cities looking to fit in safely or stand out bravely on a larger stage. Hope for the queer and trans youth who were being celebrated and uplifted by their parents and community.

But small towns are where change is going to happen and where it needs to happen.

It became more clear to me when seeing protesters come try to disrupt this vibrant and loving event. They tried to shame the kids and their parents by using the love of their god as a weapon.

But the kids are alright!

They held banners to shield others from the view of protesters. They cheered and clapped and shouted positive slogans to drown out the literal white noise. They sang and danced fabulously with the drag queens.

They lived their love and, in doing so, made me and countless others incredibly proud.

I can get skeptical of Pride events in large population centers because they become overly corporate (but there is nuance to consider, mostly regarding the amount of money needed to put on such large events). I get skeptical about the presence of uniformed police (I, frankly, do not have much nuance here myself because I know our history). I get skeptical over the white, cisgender, ableist, neurotypical, fat phobic elements of Pride parades as well.

But small town Pride is the new forefront of our journey of progress and justice. At least, this is my view and I feel it deeply.

And so long as there are small towns in Indiana and the Midwest and the South who want to gather and have Pride, I'll be very happy to be there celebrating alongside y'all!

Preorders Now Open For Shipping

Preorders Now Open For Shipping

Y’all.

I have been waiting for this moment for a very long time.

Fall is here, the air is crispy, and I am ready to ship truffles and bars to wherever you live in the country!

Shipping boxes filled with Queer Chocolatier’s unapologetically indulgent goodies

Here’s the plan:

• Preorders are now open until 10/11

• Shipments will start to roll out (Ha! Get it!?) on 10/11 on a first come, first served basis.

  • I’ll send out approximately 20 orders per week. Balancing my day job with my delicious job will make this early phase of shipments a test of my abilities so I want to pace myself well.

  • If you were also a Kickstarter backer, please let me know in the gift message portion of your preorder checkout so I can put all your treats in one shipment to reduce carbon footprint!

• Regular orders after this preorder season will be fulfilled on a weekly basis with shipments going out on Monday or Tuesday of the week after the order was placed.

I’m looking forward to sending chocolate beyond the borders of our great state of Indiana!

Setting Shipping Expectations

I will resume using USPS Priority Mail shipping. The cost of shipping hasn’t gone up a great deal on their end very much but what has gone up are packing materials. Cool packs and other materials to keep your products cool and safe from too much jostling along the journey are not the same since I’ve last sent out shipments.

Charging for shipping is hands-down my least favorite part of the job (thanks, Amazon Prime…).

I’ll be charging a flat-rate of $15 per shipment. This will include all the packaging and handling materials and USPS shipping. I’ll be researching for ways to reduce this cost over time either through scale or some other means, but this is my starting point for Fall 2022.

Fun Stuff!

Between now and the winter holidays, I will be unveiling at least one new truffle flavor as well as a couple of new chocolate bars!

Queer Chocolatier will also be a part of a few community events and collaborations, such as Pendleton Pride on 10/1 and a delicious pop-up event at the Smoking Goose Meatery on 11/19 where I will be alongside other craft food vendors. This is no ordinary pop-up event, though, because I will be there only making biscuits and chocolate gravy!!! I’m absolutely stoked for the opportunity to make one of my beloved plates again!

As the holidays approach, you may be considering fun gifts or activities for your colleagues, coworkers, neighbors, friends, and family. Consider Queer Chocolatier for truffles and bars, of course, but also for a Guided Chocolate Tasting Event! I’m happy to travel to you, provide samples of chocolate and guide you through a fun and educational tasting experience! Virtual events are also possible!

Wrap Up

Thank you all for sticking by, being patient and supportive, and for caring for my business and about me as a human critter. You’ve watched me grow, struggle, adapt, pivot, struggle some more, and I’m just unspeakably grateful that you (and I) are still here together through it all. Long Live Queer Chocolatier!

I hope I have made your journey with me worthwhile!

With endless sappy love and appreciation,
Morgan

Bloom and Temper

Bloom and Temper

Maybe you’ve heard (or read) me mention the terms “bloom” and “temper,” or maybe you’ve binge-watched enough cooking and baking shows to have these terms enter your vocabulary.

But what do they mean? And why are these terms important to chocolate makers, chocolatiers, and chocolate eaters?

Your nerdy Queer Chocolatier is here to help!

I'll break these terms down and share with you a bit more about how I handle my chocolate at various stages in production.

Bloom

There are two types of bloom: fat bloom and sugar bloom. The photo I posted above is an example of fat bloom from some of my own chocolate.

Fat bloom

Fat bloom is an indication that the cocoa butter has separated from the remaining mixture of sugar and cocoa solids. That separation happens when chocolate is melted and cooled without care. After the haphazard melting and cooling has taken place, the surface of the chocolate can tell the story; pale splotches or mottling will be visible and the texture will feel dry and crumbly.

Since we engage as many senses as possible when eating food, and are especially tuned to our senses when eating food that is as sensual (literally) as chocolate, appearance and texture make an impact on the overall experience.

The good news is fat bloom is not indicative of spoilage! It can be remedied with patience as a chocolatier or even just pushed through as a consumer! The overall flavor will still be roughly the same as the same chocolate if it had been tempered.

Sugar Bloom

The other type of bloom is called sugar bloom and it is a result of chocolate coming into contact with some sort of moi…. *shudder* …mois… let's just say humidity. Or condensation!

Sugar is hydrophilic, which means sugar loves water. If any bit of liquid gets on and stays in contact with your chocolate, the sugar crystals will lustfully draw toward that liquid and, over time, the liquid will evaporate but leave a crunchy sugar crystal heartbroken in its wake. It's safe to eat, but it will have a significantly noticeable—and not very pleasant—texture.

If you've ever asked me or anyone who is in craft chocolate how to store your chocolates or, more specifically, can you store them in your fridge, the hesitation you may witness in response is out of concern for the potential of sugar bloom.

When you remove chocolate from the fridge to room temperature, condensation may develop if the chocolate isn't well-wrapped and protected. Condensation is the main culprit for sugar bloom, so the best way to avoid this type of bloom from happening is to gently bring chocolate to room temperature before eating and maintain original wrapping (or add an extra layer of wrapping before storing chocolate in the fridge for extra protection).

Essentially, both types of bloom happen when chocolate has had some storage challenges with either heat, humidity, or direct intense light. Avoid bloom by storing your chocolate carefully or eating it all in one sitting what are you even waiting for anyway???

Temper

Temper (or tempering, or in temper) describes the process of working chocolate to achieve the preferred arrangement of crystalline structures.

More simply, tempering is melting, cooling, then rewarming chocolate so that it can be poured into molds or used as decoration that will result in a shiny, snappy end product.

Tempering, broadly speaking, is a heating process to harden a substance. Chocolate isn’t the only thing that is tempered; glass and steel are also materials that are tempered to add strength.

But for chocolate, the process consists of melting all of the crystalline structures to eliminate them and carefully cooling the chocolate in order to reform the ideal crystals—Form V, or Beta crystals—then gently reheating the chocolate in order to work with it for molding or decorating.

Tempering machines exist and range in effectiveness and cost but hand-tempering is also a valid approach to tempering chocolate. Although, it can be hard to scale up the quantities of chocolate when tempering by hand. Hand-tempering is an admirable skill and takes a lot of effort, knowledge, and practice. I will do it to keep myself honest and humble, but I do not hand-temper for production.

Tempering usually is the bottleneck of my own chocolate-making process which is why…

QC's Chocolate-making process

…I rarely temper chocolate!

I only temper chocolate if I’m making bars. And my tempering machine is reasonably effective but I have two challenges with it 1) scale and 2) customization. I can temper about five pounds at a time (the machine says it can hold up to ten pounds, but I find the chocolate doesn’t seem to stay in good temper the whole time) but I have enough melangers of a certain size that allow me to make 100lbs of chocolate at once so there’s the bottleneck. While the machine has factory settings for temperature curves for dark, milk, and white chocolate, I need to program my specific formulas in order to more suitably melt, cool, reheat my chocolate because the proportion of fat to the rest of the formula requires different temperature points held at different times.

But, the whole chocolate making process up to the point of tempering is what I follow when I make truffles. I don’t mind if my chocolate (fat) blooms while it rests after being poured from the melanger.

Why?

Well, when I make truffles, the first step is making ganache and making ganache involves melting and emulsifying chocolate with a fat (in my case, primarily coconut cream).

Here, I’m not melting to specific temperature points; I work the ganache to make it as melty and smooth as possible and then let it cool until it is firm, then portion and shape the individual truffles. Since I’m melting the chocolate and not concerned with crystalline structures, I don’t need to temper the chocolate first. It would be a stressful step that I don't need to bother with while I currently employ the machine I have.

Now, when I can upgrade to a beefy, smart tempering machine, that’ll be a different story! I’ll temper all the chocolate!!!

Goals!!!

I hope this was a easy read on a bit of chocolate terminology! I just had it in my mind to nerd out about chocolate today and wanted to share this with y’all as well, my dear readers!

Be sure to come see me at Minnetrista Farmers Market on Saturday mornings until the end of October and, if you’re in the Indianapolis area, you can find my products at Smoking Goose Meatery's Public Smokehouse! I’m sure I’ll nerd out on you in person, too!

The Definitive Update of Queer Chocolatier

It's not a secret that this summer was really difficult for Queer Chocolatier and its owner... me.

But it isn't widely-known, either, it would seem based on the number of caring conversations I have had with folks at the farmers markets over the last few weeks.

I'm hoping to provide The Definitive Update here now.

In this, The Definitive Update, I'll recap what's gone on with the business and what is to come, at least in the near future.

Please drop me a line with questions, comments, words of encouragement, and anything else you wish to share with me after reading this!

Downtown didn't work out

I made an effort to relocate my business from The Village to Downtown Muncie and the effort did not work out. I ground myself into emotional dust with trying to make it work but it didn't and I had to break the lease and lose that lovely location. I was heartbroken and I have grieved and I did not treat myself very well during that time.

I'm so grateful I had friends help step up and move me out of the space.

I'm fortunate to have had other friends arrange for me to resume production out of a certified kitchen in lieu of the space I'd hoped to transform into a micro-factory.

But it all was very difficult for me to manage emotionally and I'm still a little tenderhearted about it.

I wrote a piece earlier in the summer asking for a business partner and it was soon after that things just seemed to quickly unravel for me.

I have had kind and talented people reach out for offers of support but nothing to the level of taking on a business partnership, which I can understand.

And, honestly, as much as I know I need help to stabilize and grow my business, I don't actually want a partner. I just know I need to learn more and rely on good professionals and experts as needed in order to shore up my operations.

After all that happened, though, things began to shift again. I've found some market and sales outlets in Indianapolis. Recently, I found a job in our state capital as well. I've made new friends and built new relationships and also took a trip "back home" so to speak by resuming Queer Chocolatier's farmers market vending again.

Just a couple days ago, I low-key celebrated my business's 5 year anniversary.

That celebration was at the end of my first week returning to the workforce, which will make running the business challenging timing-wise but also allow for a bit of cash flow to come in as an investment.

So, basically, it's messy but it's always been messy. It's hard but it's always been hard.

I love it but I've always loved it.

How to find and support Queer Chocolatier

I'm not going to have my own space for a long time but I do want to tell you how you can find me so that you can support Queer Chocolatier!

1. Every farmers market session for Minnetrista (Saturdays 8a- noon) for the rest of the outdoor season, which will be the end of October.

2. The Orchard Shop at Minnetrista will have a curated selection of my locally-crafted chocolate bars on their shelves and we look to partner for events in the future.

3. Smoking Goose Meatery in Indianapolis has my bars and truffles on their shelves.

4. I will be at a couple special events, including:

   1. a Queer Business Expo (8/28 noon-5pm in Downtown Muncie at Open Door),

   2. Muncie Pride (9/3 5pm-8pm in Downtown Muncie at Canon Commons),

   3. Meet the Maker Event at the Smoking Goose Meatery (9/10 4pm-8pm in Downtown Indianapolis at 411 Dorman St).

5. In nearly a month or so, I hope to resume nationwide shipping! For those who have Kickstarter rewards remaining, I haven't forgotten you and your support. I'll get in touch with you to make sure you are taken care of!

6. And I hope to resume some version of Guided Chocolate Tasting Events, either in person or virtually, depending on how things continue to unfold in the world.

Things aren't perfect, but they never were. I'm just hoping to keep things going so long as I'm able so that when the right doors open at the right time, I can step through and allow Queer Chocolatier to shine brightly once more for all of you to see.

Long live Queer Chocolatier! 🏳️‍🌈🍫💪💞

Back to the Future

Five years ago this month, I formed Queer Chocolatier.

Five weeks ago, I didn’t think I'd hit five years for QC.

But I have struggled these last several weeks to learn that the way forward is to slow down, pivot (again), and look back in such a way as to nearly start over, this time with a whole bunch of knowledge gained over this time.

Doing this has been the key to my mental, emotional, physical health. Not only for me as a human but absolutely for my business.

It hasn’t come without a fair share of pain and discomfort.

I broke my lease to the space I’d hoped to occupy in Downtown Muncie. Physical space matters so much to my business as it brings community together in a magical way. I can work back to this, though. It doesn’t have to be today.

That is growth, friends. My acknowledging this is growth. I do hate to brag…

Growth has not just been emotional these days, but also relationships have grown for me and the business.

I’m beginning to partner with places in Indianapolis and I’m hoping to strengthen these relationships and build more opportunities in this area of the state. I’m delivering on my first batch of chocolate bars and truffles to my friends at The Smoking Goose Meatery this week and, next week, I will be one of the several vendors present at their open house for their Public Smokehouse!

I’m getting a better handle on my bean-to-bar chocolate making process and finding things that work well and things that need to be left on the proverbial cutting room floor.

But on this back to the future journey, I'm returning to the roots of how my business began: as a market vendor!

You’ll be able to find me at Minnetrista Farmers Market again on Saturday mornings!

I’ll be a vendor at every opportunity with Muncie Makers Market, including two large downtown Muncie events coming later this summer and fall!

I’ll be a proud vendor at Muncie Pride!

And I'll have my first time vending at the Old Washington St. Festival in mid-September!

Being back in the public again is really f*cking good for my soul. I love meeting people where they are, hearing their stories, slinging chocolate, people-watching all day long. I’m excited to hit the rewind button with a whole bunch of gained experience. I’m also glad to be rid of a whole lot of pressure and stress I've placed on myself over the last couple of years.

I wanted things to be perfect when I really should just be proud that I've survived. I’ve wanted others to come and carry the load with me when I really just needed to set some of the heavy stuff down and walk away.

I'd resigned myself to struggle when I should be committing to queer joy.

Wanna know what queer joy looks like for me? It looks a little like coming back to the start, five years later, without any expectations that I'd even be sticking around this long.

Welcome back to Queer Chocolatier!

Here's how you can support QC!

You can place your online orders between now and Labor Day for local pickup at Minnetrista Farmers Market on Saturdays or you can simply shop from me during the Market hours!

You can patron The Public Smokehouse down in Indianapolis and pick up your favorite bars and truffles off their shelves!

And you can keep an eye out for when online orders for shipping will resume, on the other side of Labor Day!

Always Proud

This post has been in my drafts, with several iterations, for many months. But it's now time and it's clear what needs to be said.

My emotions are one of my strong suits but they are also what can render me into a melted puddle. I am feeling lots of feelings right now as I make this still-not-quite-official announcement that Queer Chocolatier will be pausing indefinitely, potentially until its final dissolution and closure.

Why? Why pause? Why close? Why now?

Well, it isn't an easy answer but I want to tell you. I just hope that my telling is clear, helpful, transparent, and complete.

I love everything that Queer Chocolatier is, does, stands for, and could become.

I also don't think I'm the best person to run the business. Or, perhaps more accurately, I cannot run this business alone.

I know the things I do and did well while operating Queer Chocolatier.
• I am a very good chocolatier, particularly in my specialization
• I am a good people person, listening to folks to make recommendations and to hear their stories
• I'm strong in customer education; a lifetime ago I wanted to become a teacher and, it turns out, I did but just in a different sort of way
• I'm creative, curious, adaptable, and flexible,
• I work to build community and show up as much as I can
• I'm generous and I care, especially for my employees and my customers.
• I source my products transparently and ethically and I've built partnerships that are strong
• Also, I'm self aware

But there are things I do not do well and, unfortunately, those are the skills that are essential in making a business successful. I might be a good leader and community organizer but I'm not a good manager. I might be a good teacher but I'm not a good trainer. I might be a person with good vision but I'm not good at task management. I may make the best chocolate you'll ever have but I do not know how to market it.

Or, as it may be more easily summed up, my CliftonStrengths Assessment results illuminate how I lead in Influencing themes but not at all strong in Executing. Continuing off this, my Strategic Thinking themes are also robust; I'm ostensibly good at absorbing and analyzing information in order to make better decisions.

(I'm also a big-hearted Sagittarius, fwiw.)

Which leads me to coming to the decision that I need to pause--and potentially wind down--my business because I am not the person who can do this on my own if I wish for the business to continue, strengthen, grow, and thrive in its potential.

The Future...?

I have made commitments for the rest of June that I will fulfill. And, please, if you wish to continue to give me business during this month, I will ask that you do so in order for me to better fulfill my commitments.

I intend to pull all my tricks out of the hat for the next couple of weeks, including offering up chocolate bars while I can! They may not be perfect, but they will absolutely be delicious and fun and made right here in Muncie, IN!

But, while I fulfill the commitments of June and play in the kitchen like there is no tomorrow, I am in the midst of looking for someone who will sublease the location I have tried to occupy.

Breaking a lease makes me do a whole lot of second-guessing my decision-making skills and painfully reviewing all the choices I made to be in this position.

It makes me feel unworthy to have this business.

Anytime someone says, "It's just business, it isn't personal," my skin crawls. No one has said this to me recently, but when I hear that phrase, I can't but recoil because my entire business is based on personhood and, quite frankly, emotions.

So, as I process the last year (or two because, you know, the global pandemic), I get very emotional.

I almost have a maladaptive checklist of ways I'm failing that I recite to myself when I review the results of my business decisions.

Then I suddenly have a good day!

Someone gives me a hug and tells me what I do is important.

A new customer raves over my croissants.

A participant in one of my tasting events becomes awestruck at my knowledge of and passion for chocolate.

I try a new recipe and it tastes really fucking good.

I get a letter from a previous employee telling me how they are thriving as their authentic self and that Queer Chocolatier played role in their journey.

I make new friends in the community.

But I can't run my business this way, living for good days while stewing in the bad ones. And I can't operate without the stability that a business partner could provide while attending to the tasks that I either don't know how to do well or cannot make the time for while I focus on the things I do perform well.

All this is to say, I'm pausing the business in July and August for certain. Summer has never been good to Queer Chocolatier because shipping is not possible. In the cooler months of the fall, I will have to make whole those customers who got melted chocolate or got their shipping pushed back for fear of melted chocolate.

What it will take for me to resume Queer Chocolatier after the summer ends will be finding a business partner. I know myself well enough to know that I cannot continue this alone. Continuing business operations solo will only compound the mistakes and/or shortcomings I have unintentionally baked into the business.

I know that this blog post isn't the ideal pitch to ask for someone to join my side at Queer Chocolatier, but it is consistent in my values of operating in full transparency that the tough stuff is laid visible. If you are interested in being a business partner with me for Queer Chocolatier, let's start a conversation. If you know of someone who would be interested, encourage them to contact me.

Someone who is serious about becoming a business partner with me will also recognize that we will have to raise capital to resume operations and this will be another skill or resource they can bring to the business. Also, this person does not have to be local because much of what I need are skills and processes that can be performed remotely, so I am open to a partner no matter their location.

It may well be that I cannot find someone to share in running this business with me. And, if that ends up being the case, I will look to wind down Queer Chocolatier as I cannot in good faith continue to operate as I am because all of you deserve much better than I can give.

Queer Chocolatier deserves better.

For anyone who may ask (or has already), I cannot do another crowdsourcing fundraising campaign, both out of guilt and out of responsibility, because even if I were to raise a million dollars, I don't think I can solve the issues I need to solve all on my own. I want to do right by my business and by my community. Money would solve a lot of problems, but it would only serve as a temporary band-aid to others, and those need solving by a much more capable and competent person than I can do by googling my way through.

I am proud of what I was able to build with all of you playing a part in this creation. I am always going to be proud of Queer Chocolatier. Even if this is the last month it exists--Pride month no less--I will remain unapologetically proud of all that Queer Chocolatier was capable of making happen, even while understanding I'll never know the full impact made by my little chocolate business in Muncie, Indiana.

Photo credit: Amy Shears

Mother’s Day Musings

Firstly, Happy Mother’s Day to all those who honor and celebrate this day!

I say this with a bitter irony because I have not celebrated this holiday with my birth mother in many years.

Holidays that celebrate parents can be challenging for those who are LGBTQ+ and I think there has been a slight increase in understanding this notion with more conversations being shared. Furthermore, statistics collected about the worst experiences our LGBTQ+ youth face--abuse, homelessness--deepen the understanding that families are not always the safest for us to be around when our queerness is what they forcefully reject.

But, honestly, that isn’t my story.

My mother and I haven’t spoken in nearly eighteen years. By choice. My choice. My queerness wasn't a factor at all.

And, at the time and in the first fifteen years of living with decision, this was the best decision and helped me build a new foundation of who I am without the concern of her potential harm and grift.

But in the last couple of years, and especially in the last several months, I feel some internal struggle on whether I would find any fulfillment or closure if I were to reach out to her. Included in that struggle is whether I want or need whatever I may or may not find.

Several months ago, I left Indiana for a road trip to gain clarity on my business. I drove to the Southwest. But as soon as I crossed the Mississippi River, memories of my mother strode into my mind as if they were invited. I didn’t fight them off. I just let them float and followed them along where they led. I can’t say the hurt from these memories had diminished since, nor can I say I have any newfound understanding of what she went through herself, but it felt like a shift of grief that I’ve been carrying for so long.

I’ve spent a large part of my life in mourning for a mother who is still living and also for a mother I never really had.

But the shift in grief is in part due to my learning of her failing health. That window for potential closure is itself closing. It may already even be closed after the stroke she had a year ago.

She’s only 62.

I’m 42.

I can't claim to know what all these musings mean or add up to. I know that our stories matter and we learn so much from each other’s stories if we open ourselves up to listening.

Even though my story of my mother left me feeling parentless and unparented, that doesn’t mean I can’t share in the joy of my friends who are mothers or delight in those have been chosen mothers to me and others.

In some small measure, I feel like a community mother despite never wanting to be a mother.

Everyone’s story of mothers, mothering, or motherhood is different and we have a vast library within ourselves to listen to and learn from.

I hope today we listen to these stories. I hope we become better listeners and hold more collective space for people who wish to share their tales of motherhood, including the painful ones.

I hope we do better for mothers as a society.

And I'll keep musing over my own story and remain open to how I may do better for my own.

My high school graduation in 1998 and the only photo I have with me and my mother together.

Little Thoughts of Longing and Love

For the first time since I opened Queer Chocolatier back in 2017, I will not be open for Valentine’s Day.

It leaves me feeling despondent but strangely optimistic at the same time.

I’ve said it before and will never not say how much I miss caring and providing for my customers. Especially during a complicated holiday such as Valentine’s Day. Folks who are queer (or not) and folks who are single (or not) all deserve a bit of love and indulgence but this time I can’t provide it.

I feel like a rotten Valentine to y’all.

Perhaps more painful than the thought of missing the biggest chocolate holiday of the year is knowing that, in a few short weeks, it will have been an entire year that my shop had been shuttered. It leaves me with a mess of emotions ranging from boredom, loneliness, guilt, listlessness, to being worried I'll be forgotten, questioning my personal value, and disempowerment.

But as I sit and grapple with those feelings, I’m also feeling a bit lighter in my soul. I’ve reconnected with myself more in the last couple of months as I wait for things beyond my control to settle themselves. I’ve used this time to focus on my health and wellness. I’ve also rekindled some personal hobbies that I’m, quite frankly, terrible at but enjoy doing.

Listen, I just cannot be bothered with counting stitches while I crochet a blanket. I don’t know what to tell you.

Moments when I’m spending time at home or on short getaways (one of which my wife and I just returned from) have taken deep root in me because they are moments without the agonizing stress of asking myself “When will I reopen? Will I reopen!?”

And the lack of stress feels really good. I sleep better at night. I cook meals for my wife and myself and sometimes for other people. I snuggle with my cats. I’m lifting weights again, sometimes interrupted by the aforementioned cats.

Ths truth is, though, I long for making chocolate and smelling roasted cocoa beans and seeing the beans mixed with sugar and cocoa butter turn into a glorious mixture. I cannot wait to throw open the doors to my micro-factory and welcome in my employees and ply my community with fruits of our labor.

It’s what I love.

But I think this time away when I’ve been forced to pause and wait has taught me something very important: I cannot have Queer Chocolatier without caring for myself. If I have to choose between the two, there is no choice. It has to be me.

However, I think that is a false choice for me to make; I fully intend to reopen Queer Chocolatier and, when I do so, it will be with as much balance as possible so that I can be personally fulfilled, my employees can be empowered, and the business can begin to be sustainable.

I just hope I can have that shot because I have the plan and all the pieces in place for it all to happen.

Doesn’t it all seem like a classic love story in a way?

How can I just fast forward to the end where I’m making out with a bar of chocolate?

Until that marvelous day, Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you and I hope I get to see you over a box of truffles or drinking chocolate sooner rather than later!

🏳️‍🌈🍫💘

Year In Review and a Happy New Queer!

Collectively, we aren’t considering ourselves fans of 2021, but we also should recognize there were highlights among the dark days. As difficult as the year has been, and as much as I certainly appreciate the memes decrying 2021's existence, I am spending a few moments to reflect back on how the year has unfolded over the months. Some of the review is Queer Chocolatier related and some of it is personal development or detriment. And I’ll wrap up this review with wild prognostication for 2022 because why not!?!

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January

A hell of a way to kick off 2021…

The first month of 2021 kicked me in the teeth. I was simultaneously ramping up production for Valentine’s Day and winding down occupying my space in the Village. My bean-to-bar experience was growing but at a frantic pace and less lesson-learning as I was purely focused on making good base chocolate for rolling out thousands of truffles. Freshly-made chocolate was instantly turned into ganache and instantly rolled into truffles and nearly-instantly shipped.

It was exhausting.

But then one of my melangers stopped working!

It gave me much needed break and forced me to learn some basic machinery and mechanical skills which makes me a more well-rounded chocolatier and chocolate maker in the long run.

But it sure came at a tough time. Don’t all those moments just?

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February

Valentine’s, but make it gaaaaaaay!

Valentine’s Day is the biggest holiday for the chocolate industry. It’s also a day that has a lot of heteronormativity everywhere you look.

Valentine’s Day can stand to have a bit more rainbow splashed across it, in my fabulous opinion.

Anytime I fulfilled orders for Valentine’s, I’m always happy to read the messages people put in for their recipients. But I feel especially lucky and happy when the couple is in the LGBTQ+ community because I can understand how hard it can be to celebrate a holiday that is seemingly catered to heterosexual couples.

When people choose me and my business for gift-giving in these scenarios, I feel genuinely connected to my community and I feel very fortunate to be a part of a loving celebration!

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March

Women are the backbone of chocolate

Craft food businesses—including coffee, beer, wine, cheese, bread, and chocolate--are overrepresented by men. Access to capital is a big hurdle for women to overcome in entrepreneurship.

Even when that hurdle is cleared, more hurdles remain in our lanes.

Mentorship can also be difficult to obtain when developing a craft. But I look to a lot of women, from a distance and over the course of time, to learn skills and techniques and build community. I watch what other women create along their own journey and read what they put out for the world to see. I learn from them even if they don’t know I’m one of their students.

Women are the backbone of chocolate and agriculture at large. From the cocoa bean to placing the bar of chocolate in your hands, women are at every step of the way.

A big way to show appreciation for all that women do for our food is to open doors and to expand access to capital to allow them to be excellent stewards of their craft.

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April

#TeamModerna

The pandemic rages on across the world and I received both of my Moderna vaccines in the month of April.

I remain grateful to have this access while still fully cognizant that much of the world does not and even while some of our near neighbors choose not.

I remain committed to being responsible to my community. Getting vaccinated (and boosted) is but a piece of that responsibility.

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May

Social Media Is Weird

I had a very strange social media experience in May of this year.

I won’t go into a whole lot of details but one of my regular customers sent me a message on Facebook that included a link to another nearby business's post that was beyond controversial.

Typically, as a business owner myself, I don’t engage on other businesses' social media in a critical way. If I engage, it is nearly always to share posts or encourage others to check out and follow the work of my colleagues.

But the nature and content of this post was abhorrent so I engaged. I did so transparently as a business owner as well. I didn’t hide who I was and I didn’t take a cheap shot; I was direct in my clear opposition to the business owner's shameful comments about workers and the stereotypes he used in describing them.

I went to bed that Sunday evening right after posting my comment around 10:30pm (let’s be real, I was in bed when I posted it because it was really late for me!)

But when I woke up the next morning, I had nearly 2,000 likes on my comment and lots of new followers to my business page. I’d had around 3,500 followers prior to my commenting but, by the end of that week, I had over 10,000!!

Honestly, I had a pretty big social anxiety attack over it all.

I felt like I got a whole lot of attention over a tiny bit of action on my part. It was all overwhelming really.

Do I regret my engagement over this? No absolutely not. Workers deserve dignity. Non workers do as well. But I would brace my future self if this were to happen again.

And even amidst all the anxiety, I had so many kind and caring folks reach out and chat with me. Some were local and some were way afield. Some had never heard of my business before and others reached out to check on their old pal Morgan. It was a weird time and yet another reminder of what social media can do and what a platform it provides.

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June

June—Pride month--was my emotional peak this year filled with lots of beautiful moments, including Laura Janney photobombing me with my Muncie Pride Flag Planter Award

Pride month this year was a wonderful time of adventure and community and indelible moments to carry me throughout my lifetime.

That may sound hyperbolic but it is true.

Not only was I recognized by my community for providing a safe and sober space, I also hit my Kickstarter goal (in two weeks at that!) to create a micro factory to expand into bean-to-bar chocolate making.

The day I reached my Kickstarter goal also fell on Opening Night for Muncie Civic Theatre's production of The Wizard of Oz. In March, I took a big leap and auditioned for the role of Aunt Em. I love The Wizard of Oz for many reasons, not least of which is due to my grandma being named Dorothy. Having never been in any sort of theatrical project, I was a nervous wreck and felt way out of my comfort zone. I wasn’t automatically good at acting and having been in professional control for the last few years, it was discouraging at first to not be great at a new thing.

But I made lots of new friends, had a wonderful experience in trying something new and challenging, and learned more about myself along the way. And I got to meet some younger queer folk which was a pure delight since I looked up to them for their talent and they seemed to have a soft spot in their hearts for me and Queer Chocolatier in return!

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July

Day 1 Demo of new space!

Coming off a theater performance and Kickstarter goal reached, I finally got the keys to the next home of Queer Chocolatier and began demolition work with a large loving crew of volunteers! In two short weeks we did a lot of demo, hauling out over three tons of material!

But then, even after we took out almost all the walls in the space, I ran right into a large metaphorical wall.

I had to file construction plans with the State of Indiana, per the local building commissioner, and it required a whole new set of steps (and much more money) than I had originally anticipated.

I’m still trying to push through, climb over, or go around this wall, but it is still between me and opening the business.

Here is when my year began to fall into decline. I placed things on pause for awhile as I wrapped my arms around the work ahead, so the decline didn’t start of sharply, but the extended pause was its own sort of challenge.

Growing pains, especially if they involve pauses and lack of control, are quite painful.

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August

Queer Chocolatier has a TikTok account!

Devon runs it because they are hilarious and youthful.

While we were at the onset of our construction pause, we explored this new platform and Devon is a natural at bringing their brand of humor to our business and beyond.

While I aspire to get their approval when I run meme drafts by them, I came to learn that they have similar aspirations but it is to win Cheri's approval instead of mine.

Apparently there is an arbiter of cool and it ain’t me…

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September

Small businesses do well when they support each other.

The old saying of “make hay while the sun is shining” is something I took the spirit of while kinda doing the opposite!

During my construction pause, I continued to check in with my pals at Muncie Map Co. to pass the time and buy new magnets (and help inspire a new magnet even!) but I noticed that burnout was creeping in on my friends. I offered to watch their shop for a couple of weeks so they could get a rest and recharge.

Working through burnout is impossible.

I learned more about Muncie, their shop, magnet-making, and being downtown while watching their shop during that time than I had previously understood! It was a lot of fun but more importantly I want to be there for my friends when I can. I want all of our local small businesses to do well and if I can help make that more of a possibility, I feel compelled to try.

We got each other, through the good and the bad.

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October

I felt overwhelmed in Indiana so I drove to the desert in New Mexico

The bad showed up at my doorstep.

My construction costs were quoted well beyond my financial abilities and I felt crushed and small. I couldn’t see a way to get through this reinforced wall and realized that I needed space to think and breathe.

I rented a car and drove to New Mexico's White Sands National Park then up to Arches National Park in Utah. My solo trip took me to places I’d never seen before. I needed to see new things in new ways and gain perspective and clarity.

I saw a familiar face on my drive when I unexpectedly drove through a town called Liberal, Kansas! The home of Dorothy Gale is located here (as a part of their tourism center) and it felt like the universe was rooting for me and my happiness when I drove along my path only to stumble across it!

In Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, I met a new face and made a new friend! Lee was more than hospitable and gave me a rather generous pep talk that they have no clue how impactful it was to my emotional well-being. The universe provided again!

And while I felt welcome in these parts of the world and saw new vistas, I cannot say I solved my initial and immediate problem. I can say I learned more about myself again and found I have some deeper things to work on and explore about myself and that matters more than my business ever will.

A healthy Morgan became my paramount goal.

This remains my focus going into the new year and I’m grateful this trip helped me realize its importance.

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NOVEMBER

The 2021 winners of the biennial Muncie Mayor's Arts Awards

November was a big bright spot in the midst of the down part of the year. Not only was I honored by receiving the Muncie Mayor's Art Awards in the Maker category but Cheri and I bought a house!!! Being recognized by my city for the work I’ve done over the last four years and finally being a homeowner really made me feel settled in myself even while other things remained uncertain.

I have to say I struggled with being honored as I felt the last year has been so much of a holding pattern rather than working. I felt I wasn’t deserving if I wasn’t actively working in the business for the public to engage. But the thing is, people see tips of icebergs floating along the surface of the oceans. Underneath each is the unseen work and labor that goes into the creations we are all dedicated to. Cheri helped me realize I was actually being seen, that the behind-the-scenes work was being acknowledged and respected.

I am grateful that my efforts are well-received.

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December

Sometimes just moving, even while sitting still, is progress

In the final month of the year, I felt great despair.

I felt I had run out of options with the business; I couldn’t move forward but I also couldn’t quit. Both were too expensive.

I still do not have the answers.

But I started working on the space just to move my hands and feet, and to occupy my mind with something beyond despair.

If I fail to open, at least I've transformed the space and gave it my all.

But the more I work on the space, I become more hopeful that something will work out.

I turned 42 in December and have made it my goal to focus on bettering my health and wellness during this new year of existence. Going more gently on myself mentally (while actually going kinda hard on myself physically by sanding floors and climbing scaffolding) has been my guiding principle the last couple of weeks and will be carried on in the new year.

Dark winter days are never good for me, but if I keep moving, the days will pass and grow lighter and warmer and new things are bound to happen.

I could sum it up by saying I know where mt towel is and remind myself of the famous words: Don’t Panic. We’re all just hitchhiking along in the galaxy!

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2022…

Who knows, right? I started this blog posted on 12/31/2021 and already on 1/1/2022 I’ve had a life-changing experience.

I had a distant family member from my father’s side reach out to me on 23andMe. I don’t know and have never known my father or anything about him and now I’m learning pieces of my own history that were nothing more than shadow and mystery.

Expect the unexpected is something my wife always says to me.

Things should come easy.

Efforting, or trying overly hard, isn't going to make things work. Trusting the process and trusting the universe is how things work; give grace and space for things to work out on their own without putting my own limitations to them.

My hope for 2022 is that it passes gently for all of us and that we learn to be gentle and good to ourselves. If this happens, everything else will fall into place. And I hope to serve you extraordinary chocolate when it all does!

The Journey from Cacao Tree to Cocoa Bean to Chocolate Bar

The Journey from Cacao Tree to Cocoa Bean to Chocolate Bar

Settle in for a deep, nerdy dive into exploring the journey chocolate travels to arrive to your hands! It is a LONG journey and I hope that knowing all the steps along the way makes this bit of indulgence something to appreciate even more than you already do!

It truly is a long journey, so before I delve right in, here is a road map of the steps (and approximate time for each step) along the way for you to see where we are headed:

1. Planting and growing cacao tree seeds and saplings (5-7 years)

2. Harvesting cacao pods (varies, but occurs over the course of a year)

3. Fermenting cocoa beans (3-8 days)

4. Drying beans (5-10 days)

5. Packing and Transporting beans (2-3 weeks)

6. Sorting beans (1-2 hours, depending on how big a batch)

7. Roasting beans (20-45 minutes)

8. Cracking beans and Winnowing shells (15-60 minutes)

9. Grinding and refining cocoa nibs (18-24 hours)

10. Resting and aging chocolate (1 day to several weeks)

11. Tempering and molding chocolate bars (1 hour to several hours, depending on scale)

12. Enjoying chocolate bars (almost instantaneously)

Let’s go!

Seed-to-Tree-to-Beans

Planting and Growing

Before your chocolate bar became chocolate—a minimum of anywhere between five and seven years before—a seed from a cacao pod was planted.

But it wasn’t just planted anywhere.

Cacao grows in a narrow band around the equator, roughly 10 degrees latitude above and below, and this region is colloquially known as the Cocoa Belt. The main parts of the world that produce cocoa are West Africa (especially Côte d’Ivoire and Ghana), Indonesia, Latin America (countries such as Ecuador, Guatemala, Venezuela, Peru, Honduras, and Colombia), Madagascar, Tanzania, Vietnam, and India. Hawaii and Puerto Rico are the only places among the United States that are capable of cocoa production.

Cacao tree seedlings grow alongside other vegetation; perhaps some banana trees or other tropical fruits and flora which can provide some shade cover for the cacao tree and crop diversity for the farmer.

A cacao tree can live up to more than a hundred years old but be fruitful for almost half of that time, with some variations to take into account.

Harvesting

After those initial five-ish years passed, the tree begins to produce fruit and cacao pods are finally harvested.

Cacao pods are really quite pretty with their wide range of colors, from greens to yellows, oranges, reds, and even deep purples. Typically, they are about the shape of an American football, that is to say they are oblong with tapering at the ends. They can range in size from about 6 to 12 inches in length.

Cacao or Cocoa? I take my cue from those who follow the delineation at the point of harvest, prior to harvest is cacao and post-harvest is cocoa as the transformation begins here.

Split cocoa pod with fresh cocoa beans and pulp

Relatively speaking, cacao trees are not especially tall, about 15 to 25 feet or so, and their pods grow all slapdash on the trunk and the branches making some of the harvest possible simply by using a machete. For the pods higher up on the trees, a hooked blade on a pole is skillfully used with delicate precision.

Great care must be taken during harvesting so that the flowers that have been pollinated and will turn into pods for next year's harvest are not injured or damaged.

Not all pods ripen at the same time and the farmer must know when the pod is fully ripened before harvesting. It takes a lot of knowledge and skill to recognize which pods are ready, how to reach them for harvesting, and not to harm the tree thereby decreasing next year’s yield.

I don’t know about you, but I’m already exhausted!

Fermentation

Cocoa pods are split open to reveal the seeds and pulp inside. Cutting into one feels akin to cutting open a winter squash as the pods have a thick rind. The pulp has a sweet, tropical flavor to it; being a Hoosier from a temperate climate, tropical fruit doesn’t abound here but my best comparison to the flavor is something close to a mix between kiwifruit and pineapple! I personally enjoyed the flavor!

But how do cocoa seeds turn brown and lose its tropical fruit profile?

Via fermentation.

The beans are placed into large fermentation boxes and remain, stirred occasionally, for anywhere from three to eight days.

During this period, the sugary pulp that engulfs the beans serves as fuel for ambient microbes and sparks the fermentation process.

The beans, from the fermentation process and the pressure of all the weight of beans stacked into the boxes, can reach temperatures upwards of 120° F. That heat is what also halts the germination process of the beans.

Beans or Seeds? Cocoa beans are actually the seeds of the cacao tree but when Europeans first experienced cacao, they erroneously called the seeds “beans” and the mistake took root as the word to call them.

Without this fermentation step, the beans would never develop that familiar chocolatey flavor we recognize. It is an entirely transformative process.

Many experts argue that this step is, in fact, the most crucial of all and is where many craft chocolate makers send agronomists on site to work with farmers to improve their fermentation of their beans.

Drying, Packing, Transporting

Once fermentation is complete, the beans are then spread out to dry.

Ideally, the cocoa beans will be sun-dried, but tunnels for machine drying and wood-fired drying are also common in some cocoa growing regions.

After all, much of the Cocoa Belt is contains rain forests!

Beans take a few days to dry to reach the desired moisture levels so that they are safe to transport with minimal risk of harmful microorganisms growing.

Dried beans are packed in large sacks (40-70 kilograms) and transported to the chocolate makers.

Baby’s first sack of beans! A 50kg sack of cocoa beans from Tumaco, Colombia.

(In some cases, this step is actually more complex than I provide here, as beans are often sold in cooperatives so they are gathered in a central area and sorted, blended, and packed here to prepare for transport. And, especially in the case of bulk beans, there are commodities traders and importers/exporters that are involved in the shipping and purchasing of beans before they reach the manufacturing plants.)

More often than not, the chocolate makers are not in the same country as the one in which the beans were grown, but there are growing numbers of chocolate makers that are in-country and thereby keeping more of the revenue within their borders. Whenever possible, support chocolate that is made in-country where the cacao is grown and help decolonize cacao!

Bean-to-Bar

FINALLY!!

Now the beans have arrived in the waiting hands of a chocolate maker!

Hopefully, you can see how many steps there are along this journey already, even before that chocolate maker gets to glorious work!

Sorting and Roasting

Second only to fermentation, the roasting of cocoa beans is a crucial stage of flavor development.

But, before a chocolate maker embarks on this step, the beans must be sorted and separated from undesirable items that came along for the ride; sometimes bits of burlap, stones, sticks, or other sundry items will stowaway, and there are also defective beans that need to be discarded.

Once all the good beans are remaining for the roast, the chocolate maker decides the roast profile preferred for the batch of beans. Roasting can be done using a number of different methods, from a skillet on an open flame, to an oven, to a heat gun, to a refurbished and retrofitted coffee drum roaster.

But why roast at all? (Please, let's not get into the current “raw" chocolate trend today, but perhaps another day…)

Good roasting accomplishes three goals:

• kills residual bacteria from the fermentation process,

• further reduces the moisture content of the cocoa beans (the drying step only brings the moisture content to around 8%),

• and, most importantly, develops flavor

A roast profile consists of time and temperature; high heat for a quick time or “low and slow” will result in very different flavors in the beans. Adjusting those variables will also result in different outcomes, and so will the humidity in the room, the size and residual moisture of the beans, the type of bean and its origin, and the will of the universe.

Approaches to roasting is a matter of preference and a bit of artistic expression albeit in a science-y sort of way.

One can think of the approach to roasting cocoa beans as similar to that of roasting coffee beans, but there is a considerable bit of difference between coffee and cocoa beans, one being cocoa beans consist of roughly 45% cocoa butter (fat) and coffee bean lipid content is much lower, somewhere between 10-17%. Cocoa beans, with their higher fat content, are more susceptible to burning and have to be roasted at relatively lower temperatures.

Craft chocolate makers take great care (and pride) in dialing in on an excellent roast that highlights unique properties of specific beans. Mass-produced chocolate companies care less about this and will often over-roast beans as a way to get a more unified, consistent flavor and adjust the overall product flavor when mixing the cocoa beans with other ingredients.

Quite a contrast!

Cracking and Winnowing

After the roasted beans have cooled off, the papery shells must be removed before the grinding stage.

This can be done manually (and is incredibly painstaking!) but there are specialized machines that can have the beans pass through in order for them to be cracked, then separating the shell from the bean, and blowing the shell away while reserving the cocoa nibs for further processing.

A winnower machine consists of a hopper that holds cooled roasted cocoa beans that feed into a cracking machine (in this case, a juicer) and the cracked nibs and shells fall into tubing that diverts nib from shell via a vacuum, collecting usable nibs. Photo cred: Rylan Capper of Ball State Daily News

The shell is waste, but can be used for garden compost.

Ideally, the cracked nibs have been reserved without too many being included in the shell and vice versa. FDA standards dictate that the percentage of shell in the resulting chocolate cannot exceed 1.75% by weight but nibs getting mixed with husks is just wasted nibs.

I hate wasting nibs…

Grinding and Refining

Melangers (derived from the French word mélange meaning “to mix”) are frequently used to make chocolate as we know it by grinding and refining cocoa nibs and later adding sugar (and any additions such as powdered milk, melted cocoa butter, and dried flavorings such as cinnamon).

The melangers vary in size, with some able to sit on a countertop and others filling entire rooms.

The grinding process is a lengthy one, lasting approximately a full day, give or take a couple of hours.

The primary goal of grinding is to break down the beans into a liquified state where particles are around 10-20 microns (smaller than the width of a hair) so that the feel of the chocolate is perceived as smooth liquid and not grainy. Although, there are purposefully grainy chocolates that are in the style of handmade Mexican chocolates which are quite delicious!

At the point when the nibs have broken down, the substance is referred to as “chocolate liquor” although there is no alcohol present. Adding sugar and cocoa butter at this stage is the beginnings of transforming into chocolate.

Smaller-scale chocolate makers almost exclusively use some sort of melanger while larger chocolate producers (including large scale craft chocolate producers) will use a ball mill instead. Melangers have a maximum capacity whereas ball mills can be continuously fed with virtually no capacity limits.

There is a lot of time saved in using a ball mill, so I’m told, but I am also learning that they are a bear to clean and you have to be making a lot of chocolate to make the process worthwhile. A ball mill is essentially a tower that is filled with ball bearings that work to beat up and grind cocoa nibs as they are poured in from the top and process downward through gravity. They are outfitted with a water jacket to help regulate the internal temperature and also have a pump at the bottom to help recirculate chocolate liquor back through the top of the ball mill.

Although, melangers refine the chocolate simultaneously as grinding and allow for smaller-scale chocolate makers to sort of skip on the separate step of conching.

Conching

Conching is a process that is not always performed as a distinct step; as mentioned before, melangers can do some of the refining while grinding the nibs.

The name comes from the early machines that were used in the process; the shape of the machines resembled conche shells and the name took hold.

However, when performed as a stand-alone step in the process, conching involves polishing the chocolate, reducing or ultimately eliminating any lingering off-flavors to round out the finished chocolate.

Roasting develops flavors but doesn’t completely get rid of some of the vinegary notes that stick with the unrefined nibs. If a chocolate maker under-roasts and underrefines, you might get the sensation of taking a shot of vinegar that had just a hint of chocolate mixed in. Not altogether the most unpleasant thing for some people, but it is not the desired outcome for chocolate makers.

Conching helps provide chocolate that rounded, enjoyable mouthfeel and flavor that feels somehow more finished and complete.

Tempering and Molding

The home stretch of chocolate making is tempering and, if making bars, molding.

Tempering chocolate is perhaps the most intimidating process in handling chocolate. Ask anyone who works with chocolate about any story they might have involving tempering and you’ll likely get something akin to a therapy session!

The most comforting thing is that no matter how much you might mess up tempering by hand, you can always start over without wasting chocolate!

Tempering chocolate by hand on a granite slab. Photo cred: Cheri Madewell

So, what actually is tempering?

It is the process of raising the temperature of chocolate to melt it all to an exact temperature, then cooling it rapidly and warming it again slightly.

Why go through the heating, then cooling, then heating all over again?

Chocolate, on a molecular level, consists of crystals, six possible varieties in fact. But not all of the crystals are the same or equally desirable. Tempering allows for all of the crystals to melt, then reform into the ideal version and align favorably so that when the tempered chocolate is molded and cooled, the chocolate will have a desirable shine and snap.

Chocolate that isn’t tempered will not be desirable in appearance and will be difficult to work with to make confections. It will not have a shine to it and will begin to develop fat bloom, which is that mottled whiteish coloration on the surface of chocolate. The cocoa butter has simply risen to the surface and cooled in such a way that it is separate from the rest of the crystalline structure of the chocolate. It isn’t spoiled but it just isn’t pretty anymore

Tempering is necessary when molding chocolate bars as well.

Molding chocolate bars can also be done by hand, like tempering, but to create bars at a larger scale, machines can temper chocolate and hold it in temper until ready to use while other machines can dispense tempered chocolate into prepared molds.

Enjoying Chocolate Bars

After bars are molded, packaging them for purchase (by hand or machine, again) is the final step on the journey of delivering chocolate to the hungry consumer!

In a future post, I’ll discuss more about how to read a chocolate label in order to be able to understand what can be learned from the details printed on (or left off) the label.

Too few labels, however, tell the consumer the story of how their chocolate bar came to be. But now you have a better sense of the fullness of the journey, from seed-to-tree-to-bean-to-bar!

Tasting chocolate also has some steps in and of itself; Queer Chocolatier offers a Guided Chocolate Tasting Event that walks you through these steps intentionally so that you can appreciate the journey that chocolate bar traveled to get to you. When tasting chocolate purposefully, with the goal of picking up as much nuance and detail as possible, you can taste the effects of how chocolate was roasted and even more about the region in which the cacao was grown.

Enjoying chocolate bars can allow for a delicious reflection on how much transformation and labor and craft the chocolate underwent and, to me, that is a beautiful gift that I now get to enjoy receiving as well as giving as a chocolate maker!

Emotions Sometimes Get The Best Of Me

Emotions Sometimes Get The Best Of Me

I'm feeling lots of stress these days now that the shop no longer physically exists, in addition to the continual long-term stress of the pandemic.

And it shows by way of forgetfulness, shoulder tension, erratic appetite, sadness, and scattered attention.

I'm sorry to those around me who have to put up with me on however much of a regular basis you do.

In some ways, I feel lost. And once that feeling gets a foothold in my thought patterns, I go very quickly into a tail spin. More often than not, I wake the next morning with a pretty clear head. But when those next mornings are filled with the same thoughts and emotions as the day before, I know I’m in for a long haul.

I'm learning that I have to treat these feelings as if I had a sprained ankle; I have to rest, take the weight off of it, and let myself heal.

Instead of ice, a good cry helps.

And, of course, chocolate works its healing magic.

Even though I may be feeling in the weeds and overwhelmed with planning a relocation and reopening, I promise that I am in love with what Queer Chocolatier does! I am in love with chocolate and with my community! I absolutely cannot wait to have a chocolate house for people to return to in order to be indulged and affirmed simultaneously! We deserve a space to feel safe and cared for, especially in a society that can feel cruel for the sake of cruelty.

Every day that you cringe because of anything some homophobic, transphobic, racist, ableist, sexist garbage person says, know this: Queer Chocolatier hears you, and sees you, and loves you, and welcomes you.

I will hold space for you, virtually until physically. It is my job.

And it is a constant reminder to myself that I love what I do, even though emotions sometimes get the best of me and I really don't always know what I'm doing.

Storytelling

Storytelling

Queer Chocolatier's story has had lots of twists and turns since the beginning. I’d love to learn what your QC Story is!

Podcasts are often something I listen to while I’m rolling truffles at the shop (the rest of the time, I’m reliving the 90s). My favorite podcasts are the ones that are engaged in storytelling, and especially those that are told by the storytellers themselves. I’m a big fan of podcasts such as The Moth Radio Hour and Snap Judgment.

More frequently than not, I hear a piece of wisdom from a story that helps me resolve or wrestle with an issue I’m facing at the moment.

Stories matter so much to me.

I’m pretty okay at telling my story, but usually at a basic level. Being near a college campus, I’m asked to do interviews on occasion and I feel like I have a certain script that unfolds pretty readily in those interviews. The story isn’t inauthentic, but it is just the quick-and-easy story that people digest simply.

I love that I own Queer Chocolatier! I love my story! I especially love getting to dive deeper into my story because my story can connect to so many other stories deserving of being told.

The danger in getting deeper into my story is that I'm incredibly likely to burst into tears!

Stories are powerful and I don’t really quite know how to harness the power of mine yet.

Recently, I was the subject of an oral history of Muncie's LGBTQ+ community and it was a meaningful experience to tell my story in-depth and to talk out where I think I and my business fit in the world. It felt like I was closer to harnessing my story, but I still have a ways to go.

But I find it tough being asked the question: “What does your business mean to the community?”

Because that’s your story!

I’m asked that question a lot and I don't have the words to answer it.

I’d love to have your own words sharing your story about what Queer Chocolatier means to you! Some of the podcasts I listen to share little voice clips submitted by listeners and I've borrowed that strategy to collect your messages! You can leave your message here using this SpeakPipe site!

If you’re willing to share your story, it’ll help me better understand how to make QC more sustainable. I want to know what matters to you.

I want to listen to your QC Story!

(while sobbing into my squishy stretchy baby boi, Dorian)!

He tolerates my happy tears (and my sad tears, too)

Storytelling is a gift. And when people ask me how they can help out with Queer Chocolatier, this helps more than you know. Because my story gets tangled up in the day-to-day sometimes and I can lose track of what I’m aiming to do with my business.

I’m looking to glean wisdom from your stories!

Thank you for sharing and being a part of my story!

Long March Ahead

Long March Ahead

A quiet morning in the Queer Chocolatier Chocolate House in the Village in Muncie, Indiana.

Queer Chocolatier has been around since 2017. It is March of 2021 now and I’m a couple of weeks shy of both hitting a year of being closed to the public due to the pandemic and moving out of the Village altogether. There has not been a stretch of consistency with running my business, but that might just be the reality of being a queer businesswoman owning and operating a tiny business.

Moving into the Village

Cheri and I posing in front of our new place the day after signing the lease in December 2017.

I’ve mentioned more than once how Cheri has been my bedrock of forming my business. She is the one who encouraged me to find a space in the Village so that I could have my own kitchen and be near Ball State University to serve the campus community as well as the wider city.

Sometimes it is better to jump in not knowing what to expect.

Sometimes having expectations can make us hesitate to jump.

I’m glad I jumped.

Me posing with some of the furniture I built for the Chocolate House.

I learned countless things while building out the shop of my dreams!

I learned a great deal about construction and have a deep urge to build more things with my own hands.

I learned that bureaucracy can be challenging but manageable. Misogyny, however, cannot be manageable.

I learned everything takes so much longer than planned; it took almost a year to open for business.

I learned how to lay flooring.

I learned how to ask for help. I’m still learning this.

I learned to take pride in what I create.

I learned what I would do differently.

I learned that what I did—holding space—matters.

The inimitable Muncie Map Co. crafted this cocoa map of Venezuela for the Chocolate House as a beautiful piece of artwork and educational tool to explain more to customers about where my chocolate came from in the early days.

Collaboration and community

I got to meet and work with tons of people, businesses, and organizations over the years of being in the Chocolate House!

Muncie Map Co. has long been a trusted business partner of mine and their work never fails to take my breath away.

Flying Rhino not only provides some of the most delicious coffee I’ve chugged but sold me some of my initial pieces of equipment to build my shop.

Sis Got Tea is a new friend that I look up to and enjoy talking with as we both continue our entrepreneurial journeys, all while sipping tea and swapping cat photos.

I have the most extraordinary businesses as neighbors in the Village and love waving to them through my window and also visiting their cats or shooting the breeze with the humans. From reusing packing paper from Art Mart so that we don’t waste materials, to a socially distanced front yard hang outs with Travis and Sarah of VGR, to patio conversations with Martin and Kyle at the Cup, to window tappings at Gus of Travel Dimensions, to chatting about snacks with Sylvia at the Lash Boutique, to scarfing down delicious nachos and laughing with the folks at Chavas, to eating way too much cajun garlic bread at Yats and slurping bubble teas at Hoku Poke, I have been very comfortable weaving myself into the fabric of this little space in the City.

I and other Village businesses collaborated with the Riverside-Normal City neighborhood and made a smashing success of an inaugural $2 Tour of the Village during Welcome Week of 2019.

I’ve been honored to participate in a number of fundraising events for organizations such as United Way of Delaware, Randolph and Henry Counties; Boys & Girls Clubs of Muncie; Planned Parenthood of Indiana and Kentucky; and the Girl Scouts of Central Indiana (this opportunity gave me another opportunity: I was on WTHR-13 with my S'mores Truffles!). Organizations on along the coasts, such as GLAD (GLBTQ Legal Advocates & Defenders) and The Pride Study at Stanford University, have purchased our truffles as a way to reward and acknowledge individuals in their communities.

We were even visited by Gloria Steinem and Amy Richards during Steinem's book tour!

Gloria Steinem visited Queer Chocolatier and Ball State University in December of 2019 during her book tour.

Her visit was coordinated by Betsy Kiel and the Women & Gender Studies program at Ball State University. To be able to discuss the importance of queer sober spaces and our name tags with pronouns with someone as well-reknown as Steinem in my shop was a gift I never knew I wanted or deserved.

Community, near and far or neighbors and icons, is everything.

Muncie organized a large Black Lives Matter March in June of 2020 shortly after the police murder of George Floyd. Photo credit: Benjamin Strack

Pandemic and Endemic

Shortly after the peak of Gloria Steinem's visit, the pandemic hit us hard and we fell toward the valley. We pivoted, we adjusted, but capitalism won out over humanity and public health, and the safest course of action I believed was to close to the public. I remain closed. Because a pandemic remains.

A GoFundMe was launched by a loving customer and uplifted Queer Chocolatier (and me in a deeply personal way) to allow us to survive in the early months of the pandemic as a reminder of the love a community can show.

We wanted to show it back.

Racism in our country is endemic. It is woven into the fabric of our nation and until we face it in ourselves and in our society, racism will continue to thrive.

When Muncie came together on a hot summer day to march from campus to City Hall to show that Black Lives Matter, we gathered donations of water and handed them out to marchers as they passed by our shop.

We wanted to care for those who were caring for others.

Queer folk know (or should know by now) that liberation for us is tied to the liberation of BIPOC individuals. Queerness isn’t the sole domain of white people; white queer people are already indebted to queer and gender-diverse POC.

We have work to do.

Queer Chocolatier is committed to the work.

Craft Chocolate Maker and Chocolatier

Community is what guides and energizes me as a businessqueer, but I also have a craft that I am devoted to learning and honing.

Without chocolate, Queer Chocolatier doesn’t exist.

Me working chocolate on granite. Tempering by hand is as much science as it is art, but it is tasty even when you mess up! Photo credit: my wife, Cheri Madewell.

I’ve made truffles since 2004, so I’m not far from twenty years in dabbling in this confection (which, this realization made my heart catch just a bit). I started with grocery store chocolate, mostly Ghirardelli.

Then, as I grew in my truffling, and as I went to school for Sociology specializing in the Sociology of Food and Agriculture, I started asking myself more questions about chocolate, where it comes from, how it’s made and under what conditions.

When I launched Queer Chocolatier, I made my first big decision in this exploration by selecting Chocolates El Rey as my source of chocolate. For the first three years of my business, I used El Rey not just for making truffles (and drinking chocolate and pain au chocolat) but also to share this educational journey I was on with others through Guided Chocolate Tasting Events.

Starting in the craft chocolate wilderness meant using a lot of DIY tools and learning from what others did before me. My first sack of cocoa beans shown here is from Tumaco, Colombia and was sourced from Uncommon Cacao.

But in the last ten months or so, I’ve been buying cocoa beans to start making my own chocolate.

Every time I go through the chocolate-making process, I learn something new. But because I’m still primarily a chocolatier, I am not getting much opportunity to savor the knowledge as I am immediately transforming the fresh chocolate into truffles for orders!

But I am learning!

And I’m growing.

I’ve found that my biggest insecurity with owning this business has nothing to do with my being queer or being in a small city having to compete with mass chocolate or being a business owner in general or anything like that whatsoever.

It is that I’m insecure in where I fit in the craft chocolate industry.

I’m so small and so far away from many other chocolate makers, and I struggle to think what it would be like if other chocolate makers thought I was a joke and should just hang it up.

But that hasn’t been the case.

People have been generous and caring. I’ve asked questions to a few chocolate makers and they have gladly shared their experiences. I’ve been invited to speak via FB live with Lauren Heineck who has a podcast within our industry. More recently, I’ve joined CISJ, Chocolate Industry for Social Justice and I hope this is yet another way to plug into the community.

I have a long March ahead in every conceivable sense.

What’s next? Figuring it out

Starting at farmers & makers markets, then going “away to college” has been such an adventure. I’m looking forward to a homecoming. Photo credit: Anna Mitchel.

Starting with what I do know, I'm leaving this space by the end of this month.

I’ll fulfill orders until March 22nd and no longer accept orders.

I’ll have to wind down my operations and begin moving items and equipment into storage.

Today's the last day I pay rent here.

I have orders to ship and deliver today.

But beyond these things I know, I only have educated guesses and trust falls for the universe to catch me in its waiting arms.

I do have a space identified that Queer Chocolatier very likely will move into. I am filled with excitement but I am holding off on announcing the news until all things are settled. I got burned by this with an earlier place I viewed and fell in love with but isn’t accessible and that is a baseline requirement for any space in which I’ll ever do business.

But the space I want to move into will take some work and capital.

One of these has me thoroughly excited as I'm planning building projects again and eager to apply all of the “What I would do different” lessons I've learned!

I am nervous about the capital as I've apparently and unwittingly decided my business is to pay people to renovate their properties. However, the building owner seems like a very nice fellow and he and I have many mutual friends, so this feels like it can be a healthier process and relationship than the space I’m leaving.

Gonna do a capital trust fall!

Might not be the wisest business decision to make, but I've heard lots of wise people along every step of the way question many decisions I've made.

If I’d heeded their words all along, Queer Chocolatier simply wouldn’t exist.

I’m going to listen to my gut.

There are a few butterflies fluttering, but they’re excited!

And I'm training myself to believe more in myself, my abilities, my commitments, my passion, my talents, my experiences, my knowledge, my vision, my place in this community and in this world in this moment.

My friend Renae once told me to not worry about proving people wrong. It’s about proving myself right.

I’m ready.

Take up space and drink chocolate. It’s what I do. Photo credit: Brooklyn Arizmendi.