This post has been in my drafts, with several iterations, for many months. But it's now time and it's clear what needs to be said.

My emotions are one of my strong suits but they are also what can render me into a melted puddle. I am feeling lots of feelings right now as I make this still-not-quite-official announcement that Queer Chocolatier will be pausing indefinitely, potentially until its final dissolution and closure.

Why? Why pause? Why close? Why now?

Well, it isn't an easy answer but I want to tell you. I just hope that my telling is clear, helpful, transparent, and complete.

I love everything that Queer Chocolatier is, does, stands for, and could become.

I also don't think I'm the best person to run the business. Or, perhaps more accurately, I cannot run this business alone.

I know the things I do and did well while operating Queer Chocolatier.
• I am a very good chocolatier, particularly in my specialization
• I am a good people person, listening to folks to make recommendations and to hear their stories
• I'm strong in customer education; a lifetime ago I wanted to become a teacher and, it turns out, I did but just in a different sort of way
• I'm creative, curious, adaptable, and flexible,
• I work to build community and show up as much as I can
• I'm generous and I care, especially for my employees and my customers.
• I source my products transparently and ethically and I've built partnerships that are strong
• Also, I'm self aware

But there are things I do not do well and, unfortunately, those are the skills that are essential in making a business successful. I might be a good leader and community organizer but I'm not a good manager. I might be a good teacher but I'm not a good trainer. I might be a person with good vision but I'm not good at task management. I may make the best chocolate you'll ever have but I do not know how to market it.

Or, as it may be more easily summed up, my CliftonStrengths Assessment results illuminate how I lead in Influencing themes but not at all strong in Executing. Continuing off this, my Strategic Thinking themes are also robust; I'm ostensibly good at absorbing and analyzing information in order to make better decisions.

(I'm also a big-hearted Sagittarius, fwiw.)

Which leads me to coming to the decision that I need to pause--and potentially wind down--my business because I am not the person who can do this on my own if I wish for the business to continue, strengthen, grow, and thrive in its potential.

The Future...?

I have made commitments for the rest of June that I will fulfill. And, please, if you wish to continue to give me business during this month, I will ask that you do so in order for me to better fulfill my commitments.

I intend to pull all my tricks out of the hat for the next couple of weeks, including offering up chocolate bars while I can! They may not be perfect, but they will absolutely be delicious and fun and made right here in Muncie, IN!

But, while I fulfill the commitments of June and play in the kitchen like there is no tomorrow, I am in the midst of looking for someone who will sublease the location I have tried to occupy.

Breaking a lease makes me do a whole lot of second-guessing my decision-making skills and painfully reviewing all the choices I made to be in this position.

It makes me feel unworthy to have this business.

Anytime someone says, "It's just business, it isn't personal," my skin crawls. No one has said this to me recently, but when I hear that phrase, I can't but recoil because my entire business is based on personhood and, quite frankly, emotions.

So, as I process the last year (or two because, you know, the global pandemic), I get very emotional.

I almost have a maladaptive checklist of ways I'm failing that I recite to myself when I review the results of my business decisions.

Then I suddenly have a good day!

Someone gives me a hug and tells me what I do is important.

A new customer raves over my croissants.

A participant in one of my tasting events becomes awestruck at my knowledge of and passion for chocolate.

I try a new recipe and it tastes really fucking good.

I get a letter from a previous employee telling me how they are thriving as their authentic self and that Queer Chocolatier played role in their journey.

I make new friends in the community.

But I can't run my business this way, living for good days while stewing in the bad ones. And I can't operate without the stability that a business partner could provide while attending to the tasks that I either don't know how to do well or cannot make the time for while I focus on the things I do perform well.

All this is to say, I'm pausing the business in July and August for certain. Summer has never been good to Queer Chocolatier because shipping is not possible. In the cooler months of the fall, I will have to make whole those customers who got melted chocolate or got their shipping pushed back for fear of melted chocolate.

What it will take for me to resume Queer Chocolatier after the summer ends will be finding a business partner. I know myself well enough to know that I cannot continue this alone. Continuing business operations solo will only compound the mistakes and/or shortcomings I have unintentionally baked into the business.

I know that this blog post isn't the ideal pitch to ask for someone to join my side at Queer Chocolatier, but it is consistent in my values of operating in full transparency that the tough stuff is laid visible. If you are interested in being a business partner with me for Queer Chocolatier, let's start a conversation. If you know of someone who would be interested, encourage them to contact me.

Someone who is serious about becoming a business partner with me will also recognize that we will have to raise capital to resume operations and this will be another skill or resource they can bring to the business. Also, this person does not have to be local because much of what I need are skills and processes that can be performed remotely, so I am open to a partner no matter their location.

It may well be that I cannot find someone to share in running this business with me. And, if that ends up being the case, I will look to wind down Queer Chocolatier as I cannot in good faith continue to operate as I am because all of you deserve much better than I can give.

Queer Chocolatier deserves better.

For anyone who may ask (or has already), I cannot do another crowdsourcing fundraising campaign, both out of guilt and out of responsibility, because even if I were to raise a million dollars, I don't think I can solve the issues I need to solve all on my own. I want to do right by my business and by my community. Money would solve a lot of problems, but it would only serve as a temporary band-aid to others, and those need solving by a much more capable and competent person than I can do by googling my way through.

I am proud of what I was able to build with all of you playing a part in this creation. I am always going to be proud of Queer Chocolatier. Even if this is the last month it exists--Pride month no less--I will remain unapologetically proud of all that Queer Chocolatier was capable of making happen, even while understanding I'll never know the full impact made by my little chocolate business in Muncie, Indiana.

Photo credit: Amy Shears