Little Thoughts of Longing and Love
For the first time since I opened Queer Chocolatier back in 2017, I will not be open for Valentine’s Day.
It leaves me feeling despondent but strangely optimistic at the same time.
I’ve said it before and will never not say how much I miss caring and providing for my customers. Especially during a complicated holiday such as Valentine’s Day. Folks who are queer (or not) and folks who are single (or not) all deserve a bit of love and indulgence but this time I can’t provide it.
I feel like a rotten Valentine to y’all.
Perhaps more painful than the thought of missing the biggest chocolate holiday of the year is knowing that, in a few short weeks, it will have been an entire year that my shop had been shuttered. It leaves me with a mess of emotions ranging from boredom, loneliness, guilt, listlessness, to being worried I'll be forgotten, questioning my personal value, and disempowerment.
But as I sit and grapple with those feelings, I’m also feeling a bit lighter in my soul. I’ve reconnected with myself more in the last couple of months as I wait for things beyond my control to settle themselves. I’ve used this time to focus on my health and wellness. I’ve also rekindled some personal hobbies that I’m, quite frankly, terrible at but enjoy doing.
Listen, I just cannot be bothered with counting stitches while I crochet a blanket. I don’t know what to tell you.
Moments when I’m spending time at home or on short getaways (one of which my wife and I just returned from) have taken deep root in me because they are moments without the agonizing stress of asking myself “When will I reopen? Will I reopen!?”
And the lack of stress feels really good. I sleep better at night. I cook meals for my wife and myself and sometimes for other people. I snuggle with my cats. I’m lifting weights again, sometimes interrupted by the aforementioned cats.
Ths truth is, though, I long for making chocolate and smelling roasted cocoa beans and seeing the beans mixed with sugar and cocoa butter turn into a glorious mixture. I cannot wait to throw open the doors to my micro-factory and welcome in my employees and ply my community with fruits of our labor.
It’s what I love.
But I think this time away when I’ve been forced to pause and wait has taught me something very important: I cannot have Queer Chocolatier without caring for myself. If I have to choose between the two, there is no choice. It has to be me.
However, I think that is a false choice for me to make; I fully intend to reopen Queer Chocolatier and, when I do so, it will be with as much balance as possible so that I can be personally fulfilled, my employees can be empowered, and the business can begin to be sustainable.
I just hope I can have that shot because I have the plan and all the pieces in place for it all to happen.
Doesn’t it all seem like a classic love story in a way?
How can I just fast forward to the end where I’m making out with a bar of chocolate?
Until that marvelous day, Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you and I hope I get to see you over a box of truffles or drinking chocolate sooner rather than later!
🏳️🌈🍫💘